Sorry for the long post but there's just some things I want to say and get out of my brain before I implode

I am 7 dpo currently and trying really hard not to stress or think about ttc but it's damn near impossible.

I have a good feeling about this cycle but I also had a good feeling about quite a few other cycles before getting BFNs.

I don't want to get my hopes up just to get heartbroken again.

I pray and pray and pray, we even took a few months off to focus on our marriage (also cause everyone says you'll get pregnant when you stop trying) but still no.

I honestly never thought it would be this hard. I had only known of accidental pregnancies or those who got pregnant right after marriage. I guess I just wasn't exposed to this ttc process growing up. So I'm really glad we're talking about it. I have a lot of support from my friends and coworkers, family not so much. My husband's family gave us a 2 year timeline, which I know it was in good fun and they're excited for us and it was a cute thought in the beginning but... Well it's taken longer than that I just can't bear to go to my in-laws function because I might just snap.

I know I need to set boundaries, I'm slowly working on that

I really wish I could just KNOW. Know if I could get pregnant or not. I see stories of those trying for years and years and it breaks my heart, I want you guys to get your BFPs so bad and it also terrifies me to think what if I'm in the same boat?

I'm really trying not to stress but my heart is just aching for this to happen. My husband and I have been trying so hard to make sure we're both emotionally and financially stable. We've been together 11 years, we have our careers, a beautiful home, and are beyond ready to grow our family.

Yet my cousin who is 19 years old, still living with my aunt and uncle, working at Pizza hut, her bf is a punk with no job, is posting her pregnancy announcement on Facebook.

And I feel SO SO SO SO guilty and mad at myself for hating her! ...I don't hate her, I'm just so angry.

And I can't help but blame myself. If I didn't get so worked up around implantation time, if I ate better last cycle, if I hadn't taken those antibiotics because of the uti in October, if we had done this position instead of that one, if I was 20 pounds lighter, etc etc etc then MAYBE I'd be pregnant.

I know none of that is true, BUT I can't stop those thoughts from rising to the surface with each BFN.

This is so hard guys. I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I'm really really praying I get my BFP. I had dreams of being pregnant and having a baby, and everyone says that's a sign, but idk if my heart can take getting my hopes up again.

I give it all to Jesus🙏, then I get mad and curse at Jesus, then I come back to Him apologizing, knowing I can't do this without him. anyone else do the same? 😔😔

So yeah, I'm a little pessimistic this week in order to shield my heart I guess.

But I just wanted to share/vent because I know you guys understand everything I'm going thru without judgement. You won't tell me "just stop worrying" "it'll happen when it happens" or ask me every single time I have a weird symptom if its because I'm pregnant. No obnoxious coworker, Im exhausted because I slept 2 hours last night having anxiety about getting pregnant, not because I am pregnant 😒😒

So yeah thank you guys for letting me rant, I just needed to get it out of my head. My husband is incredibly supportive but doesn't quite get exactly how I'm feeling.

If you guys have some advice on how you have kept yourself from going crazy during this process, feel free to share. It's consuming me and my emotions come in waves, I'll be really excited and positive one day but then sad and pessimistic other days, like today.

I uninstalled the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android">glow app</a> for quite a few months, but it still consumed my brain.

I don't think realistically I'll get it out of my brain, but would like tips on... Idk, I don't really know what I need.