Kinda wanted to post about how real being a first time mom is. How much it can affect your mental health.

It's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's not always good times and smiles.

I have dysthymia and was on antidepressants before I got pregnant. I was worried that the meds would somehow affect my pregnancy so I got the doctor's okay to come off them. All was good, my mood was slightly affected but I was fine. Anxious to meet my baby and of course hormonal but otherwise things were okay.

After I gave birth though, I was not okay. The first couple of weeks went great, with a new baby and adjusting to his sleep schedule was hard but "I'm a mom now this is what I have to do." After awhile things got dark. I still loved my son and cared for him but it felt like I just didn't want to anymore. It was stressful and overwhelming and I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I had thoughts of hurting myself and would be scared I would hurt him.. He'd wake up at night and I'd start crying right away.. Every time he'd get fussy and I couldn't calm him down I'd break down and then we'd both be crying.. As much as I loved Raymond I hated being a mom.. I felt like he deserved better than me, and that he would do better without me.. Until I got some help. I talked to my doctor (who had told me from the get-go to pay attention to my mood especially with my history with depression) and he put me back on my antidepressants.

I've been back on them for just over a week now and I've already felt a huge improvement. Postpartum depression is very real and it's scary honestly. I love my son more than anything and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Not really sure where I'm going with this.. I think i just had to let this out.

Please if you ever feel this way, get help. It makes motherhood so much better.