This is going to be my first try at Clomid + <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>. Finished the Clomid two days ago. We had a full work up done, and no clear issues for either of us. (I was just low on Vit D, and have been supplementing for a month.) So we’re in the unexplained category.

Obviously, we have no idea if this is going to work, but I’m so needle-phobic that there’s no way I can do <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. I’d have to be sedated literally every day, and I can’t do that.

This waiting space and time is so disorienting. I feel like I’m constantly imagining divergent futures where this works or doesn’t work. Meanwhile, I don’t live in any of these hypothetical futures. Really trying hard to stay in the present, but the past week of Clomid side effects doesn’t let me forget what I’m doing and just not think about it. Therapist has me doing mindfulness, and that’s good, but it’s hardly a silver bullet for this elusive relaxation people say we need.

I don’t know what people mean when they say, “It happens when you stop trying.” That’s an impossible trap. And I don’t know about you, but it feels like the double bind women get put in a lot. I’ve found ways to opt out of that trap in most other parts of my life. I want out of it in this part, too.

I was never actively invested in the idea of becoming a mother earlier in my life. But now that it’s what we’ve decided we want, it’s hard to not have it take up so much space. The very fact that it’s requiring so much in even the attempt feels like it’s changing a part of my personality that I thought was already settled. And at the end of this, it might not even happen. I just don’t know what to do with it all.

Thanks for reading.