Here I am writing something out of anxiety? Loneliness? Depression? Guilt?

Whatever you want to call it.

I had met the person I called my everything. My person. Someone who made me feel like I had the world wrapped around my tiny fingers. I had all that I wanted because I met this one person who made me feel endlessly amazing. Our relationship, in my eyes were beautiful and I knew early on that this was what I wanted for a very long time. I made this person my motivation, my happy and I gave it my all in this relationship. So did they. They welcomed me to their family, we went on trips together with the family, we go into the school of our dreams together and we were each other's rock.

We definitely had our ups and downs but never had an arguement that was overly dramatic. We were perfect.

Except for one day. One unexpected day. During this time we argued a little more than usual, saw each other only sometimes because school got busy. He got busy. Perspectives clashed. We argued on not spending enough time with one another (well I raised the arguement) I missed him. I never expected him to tell me he was done. I thought this would be a small quarrel that would be done and over with the next morning. But it took the turn for the worst. He stopped. He ended it and he called the shots. I refused to talk about this over two screens so we met in person. That didn't change anything. I sold my pride, my confidence and I begged. Regrets. But still nothing in return. I put in effort, I reached out but still nothing. His family reached out, people asked how I was doing. But still nothing. Everything I do. Think. Say. Involves the embodiment of him. He's always there somehow some way. I made him my world. He still cares. But he doesn't want anything but to be alone. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone new, he won't initiate it. But he doesn't want our breakup to mean nothing. At least what he tells me. He tells me, in the future we could start again if there's something there again. But for now it's not the time. He wants time and space. He wants us to grow. Apart? That I'm uncertain. He's willing to throw it away, risk losing what he had forever. He values his independence, wishes to find who he was when we first met. I too. But I believed we could have fixed things rather than ending it. I reflected on what I did wrong. What he thought was wrong. My past had influenced my perfect relationship. I couldn't give him the same trust that he gave to me and he valued that. He felt restricted with me. He felt too stress with school and needed his space. I gave him options to work on those together. But he said no, he wasn't ready.

So here I am. Googling. Going on stupid dates. Exploring who I am when I already knew who I was and what I wanted. I loved my life and I loved him. Finally backing off, giving him the "no-contact" rule. But till when? Am I doing the right thing? Will he come back? I want him back. Trying to give him time, but how much time is enough?

I start to act out of curiosity. I check his social media, gain courage to message him but don't to the point where I find it pointless. Will this hurt ever stop? I ask a friend. They tell me something I learn to hold dear to my heart, "The pain doesn't go away, you just get use to it." That's a quote for a lifetime. So what now? Do I wait. No not necessarily. Do I have faith? Yes I do. Why? Because I love him. Why not? Because I need my own life back. An ongoing dilemma I now have to face on my own.

Does this get better? Do we come back stronger? Are we going to lose each other and become strangers now? I don't know. I use to know everything, bits and pieces of the future I once could predict almost with 100% confidence. But now no. I'm left unknown.

Things happen to you when you least expect it, as per say "Unexpected Heartbreak". But may not be forever. There is hope for an "Unexpected Beginning".

Stay tuned ❤️