Me and my boyfriends been together for almost 9 years. Since we were kids. We now have a 3 year old boy and a 2 month old daughter.

My boyfriend use to just drink alcohol for fun. Never would get drunk, until last year. He got drunk just about every day. He would drink until he couldn’t even move. He’d spit EVERY WHERE, and throw up EVERYWHERE and eventually got violent. I got pregnant last year (April 2019) and I told him all the drinking would have to stop or atleast slow down. I told him I could not physically take care of him and I mentally could not deal with it. He stopped, then at the end of my pregnancy, he started back and it was worse than before. I had my daughter and he showed down the drinking. He’d drink, but wouldn’t get drunk. Well recently he started back drinking again, got slap drunk like he used to. I told him that I already have a daughter to take care of basically by myself (he never helps with her) and that I would not and could not take care of him when he gets like that.

I said there’s a difference between drinking to have fun and drinking to get drunk. And the type of drinking he does is to get so drunk he’s not himself anymore and that if he got that way again, I was gonna take our daughter and leave for a couple hours.

Well tonight he got drunk so I got my daughter dressed and got his sister to go with me to get out. Told him I loved him, be careful, if he needed me call me.

Well when I left, he had gotten into the tub, filled it up with water and laid in it. (He was not in the tub when I left)

His sister called their mom and told her to swing by and check on him (they live next door)

She calls back and tells me that I should never leave a drunk person alone no matter how hard it gets and that he was in the tub and his nose was a half an inch away from the water, and he was calling for help. My heart dropped, shattered to pieces, and I pulled over. I cried to the point where I couldn’t breathe. Is it my fault? Am I a shitty person because I wanted to get away because it’s mentally damaging me? If his sister and my daughter wasn’t in the vehicle I would have just ran off the road and tried killing myself. I feel like a useless piece of shit.

I rushed home, knowing that by in the morning I’m going to get cursed at, and probably kicked out, broken up with, all while being told how shitty I am...

I’m here sitting by him while he sleeps and all I can imagine is him laying in the tub trying to call for help, and I’m not here. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. And I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be alive when he wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for him parents because I left.