My husband and I have 2 boys, ages 8 and 5. In 2017 we started TTC a third baby, but were unsuccessful for two years. We both saw specialists, and all was healthy and normal. Just secondary/unexplained infertility. It goes without saying, those two years wiped me out mentally and emotionally! So, last summer we decided to just take a break from TTC.

I am about to turn 36, and we have discussed possibly giving it one more shot. Just one cycle. And, if it doesn’t happen, then we just move on for good.

But, honestly I am so scared to now try. I have a very demanding career, my hands are really full with my two boys, life is always BUSY. So, would we able to fit a third child into that?

Then, it scares me to have a baby past 35. I know there are plenty of moms doing it now, but still makes me nervous.

I’m also really scared about risking having twins as my third pregnancy. It was always a fear of mine when I got pregnant the other two times. But, now it’s much scarier since I already have two kids. I cannot handle 4 kids. No way. Twins don’t run in my family, but an egg can always divide and make identical twins, that’s not genetic.!

I wish I could easily just get over my baby fever. But, I can’t help but to look at all the baby stuff in my basement, and feel sad when I think I may never use it again. It makes me sad that i will never hear baby giggles again, or get baby cuddles again. I look at my kids I do have, and I’m like, that’s it? Like, when did you grow up so fast?!

I wish I could just move on, forget about my feeling that someone is missing. Im scared that if we don’t try one more time, I will go on wondering for the rest of my life. And then, I am also scared of the risks we take if we do conceive a third time. I am so mentally exhausted and confused.

How many days !!

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