I know I'm going to get a lot of heat for this, but I've made my choice and I'm not asking for advice.

My child's father and I have a complicated relationship and it has been that way since my first miscarriage last year. He is a little, (as the old folks would say) off and he just doesn't think clearly. On top of that, he is abusive. Verbally (physically when he is drunk). No, he isn't dragging me through houses and kicking the shit out of me, but abuse is abuse. Unfortunately, after his brother died last year after the miscarriage, he has been hell on wheels. Up and down. Honestly, I don't think he knows how to cope with grief or let anyone be there for him because he is contrary and he knows EVERYTHING. I've tried to be there for him and work with him (I've been where he is, I've lost 2 sisters and my parents), but all he sees is his own issues and how they aren't his fault. In a nutshell, he's a narcissist. He has a cycle. He's good for 4-5 days, a dick for 2-3 and then for he pretends nothing occurs untill he is ready to bring it back in the next round. He doesn't see me as his equal and he is a, 'gaslighter. He refuses to leave and I've called the police and they said I'd have to get a restraining order. I live in a small town and I have no desire to have that attention.

I had a miscarriage in January, again, and he blamed me, my cats, (even though I touched the liter one time with a mask and gloves) told me I had bad luck bc my parents and sisters died, and then told me I killed two of his babies. I had sex with him after I was cleared on Valentine's Day and bam, found out I was pregnant for sure by a quant on 03/02. We had sex once. I had decided I didn't want to have any kids with him, but God has other plans. I figured, my lease is up in June. I can move like I planned and he won't know until after the baby is born (hopefully never). I could tell him it isn't his and he will likely call me names and tell people I'm a whore, but as long as I can protect my kid. That's all that matters. He has stressed me through each pregnancy and I don't want his negative energy around me. I have been on the fence, praying bc of course there is this part of me that wanted to tell him. But the drama that surrounds it. . .and the signs I'm getting are all saying, NO.

How crazy is he?

I texted and asked him did he ever cook anything, I didn't realize he was in his room asleep (I'd awakened bc I went to sleep at 7) he says, (drunk of course) "you didn't mean to text me. U never text and ask did I cook. I never said I was cooking. You are a little lying ass girl. All you do is lie like your brother. Dumb fucker. I'm sick of taking your shit."

This is how he acts and talks each Saturday night. Generally, I'm some bitches and other choice words too. He did this while I was pregnant too. If I could leave sooner, I would.