When i was 14, I went to a party, got super drunk and headed home with a guy I knew, we had been seeing each other a while but like I said I was 14, not that serious. I blacked out and woke up to a few friends and him saying "we heard you" "that's mad sex hair" and general comments re sex. I asked him, he said he couldnt remember but thought we did, and told everyone else we did.

I missed a few periods and was too scared to do a test or speak to family, I just kind of accepted that I was pregnant, again, I was 14. At the back of my mind, i knew i wasnt pregnant, but i avoided drinking and smoking (i was a wild child) because i didnt want to hurt the baby.

Looking back, I was a baby myself. I've always been so protected by my family. The day I got a period was the worst day of my life. I wanted that baby so bad. But my brain wouldn't process that I was never pregnant. I called the guy (first contact since that night) he said "lol we never had sex". Instantly thinking I was crazy, i swear I'd had a bump, I'd had morning sickness, heck, my boobs had grown alot. I'll admit I couldnt handle it. I cut my wrists, bought a bottle of vodka and went to another party, I had a mental breakdown and poured my heart out to anyone who would listen.

Here I am, 10 years later, thinking about how much I wish I could have given myself a hug or just reassured myself. But heres the question/issue. My boyfriend (of 7 years) has recently found out about this whole situation in detail (he knew before, but not much depth) and he is so loving and caring. We spoke and mutually think I suffered with pseudocyesis, I always knew this but didnt want to accept it as it made me feel crazy.

But am I wrong in feeling the need to grieve the loss of a child I never conceived? I quickly developed an eating disorder after that night and believe I've been using an eating disorder to fill the void of my baby. I mean, has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Any advice would be beyond appreciated. thank you so much for reading this far I really appreciate any help you can send my way❤

Also, yes this is a repost, however I spelled pseudocyesis incorrectly, therefore, anyone searching the term wouldn't find me.