So I’m hoping to find some support here with my birth plan going completely the opposite of what we planned and how to come to terms with it. I’ll say first that I’m extremely grateful to have my son here healthy and that was always first priority but I almost feel like I’m mourning the loss of the birth we planned.

Before we even got pregnant I knew I wanted to go the Bradley method route and be as natural as possible. I’m type A with previous anxiety issues and being informed and having a plan helps to calm me. I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, a little morning sickness in the beginning and a little swelling in the end. I did yoga, kegels, deep squats and spinning babies all through my pregnancy. The hospital we originally planned to deliver at would not let me deliver the way I wanted (squatting) and had some other issues that left me feeling uncomfortable. So we switched to a home birth 3 months before my due date. My Bradley teacher was a midwife and the transition was easy. We planned a home water birth, got the birthing kit, prepared everything. I was so excited and at peace with our decision, nothing felt more right.

My due date was March 1st and I expected to go over it. We had met with the doctor and midwife the previous week and while he was in position, he wasn’t engaged yet. At 8:30 that night after an uneventful day, I got out of bed and my water broke. We texted the midwife, tested the fluid to make sure it was amniotic and settled in for the night with a movie. The next time I went to the bathroom, my fluid had turned green/brown which meant my son had pooed inside. Called the midwife and she called the doctor as well as 3 other midwives and they all said go to the hospital.

I had begun having contractions but really inconsistent ones with no patterns. They took me into triage at the hospital with some great nurses and one really judgey one who I wanted to smack. They couldn’t see anything during the vaginal exam for the fluid so they did an ultrasound. In the last week my son had turned frank breech and I had to have a c section. I was terrified during the entire thing. I will say it was quick and none of the drugs got to my son, he was out in less than 45 minutes. His apgar score was a 8/9 and he came out crying.

That night and next day are a blur I barely remember. I just remember shaking uncontrollably until I held my son. I don’t remember him latching the first time but he did. I don’t remember the conversations I had. I see the logs of all the times I fed him that first day but I don’t remember. I feel like I’m missing this whole day of bonding with my son.

We’re lucky and he’s this happy chill baby who is still breastfeeding so well at 11 days old. I’m just trying to come to terms with how my baby got here when I feel I did everything I possibly could during pregnancy to make his birth as natural as possible just to have one of the most unnatural births. I don’t feel like a failure, I know what happened had to happen but I’m trying to get ahead of dealing with the way it happened before it turns into something bigger. Did anyone else have a natural plan and end up just going the completely opposite direction?