Whenever I tell my mum I want to die she just tells me to stop being silly or shouts at me saying stuff like “oh here we go!” or just gets annoyed.

Yesterday I had a panic attack in a supermarket and my mum just yelled at me to the point where I ran away because I had to get away from her and she kept yelling MY REAL NAME (which I hate) to make me seem like I was a brat throwing a tantrum when really I had to get away from her because I wasn’t allowed to have a panic attack and she wonders why I bottle up my emotions and spend as much time away from her as possible!!

I can’t live with her anymore. We live in a tiny mouldy council flat on benefits and I get bullied for being poor and I hate it so much but it’s not my fault my mum doesn’t have a job and won’t let me get one. I get that she has anxiety and PTSD and “can’t work” but surely she can probably work from home or let me get a part time job because I actually don’t mind the idea of working? Yes we have a roof over our heads and we can afford food. I’m really grateful for that but I wish I had the opportunity to live in a house that is decent at least. My parents separated when I was 2 and my dad is a lazy abusive asshole who flat out refuses to work and gets drunk and calls me fat, lazy and retarded. I have Aspergers(and so does he) so I don’t like when he calls me things like that. My dad also never paid child support so I make him buy me things like anime plushies and art supplies to suffice whenever he has the money cos he never has much (I wonder why!).

I caught a cough in January and I haven’t stopped coughing since because of the horrible conditions I’m FORCED to live in! The air is always cold and damp and I always do whatever I can to get away from it and away from my mother. She raised me with her hands over my eyes and ears and never exposed me to the real world. I don’t know the difference between what parts of me are from being autistic and what parts are just from being human. She also thinks I have more than just Aspergers and never even bothered to get me a doctors appointment. I haven’t seen any form of doctor for 3 years.

I’m 16 years old so I’m old enough to live alone but since my country is on lockdown we’re not allowed to leave or meet anyone outside our household which is horrible because I can’t deal with that woman for any longer. I just don’t know what to do...