Because of quarantine, I’ve been stuck inside with my feelings and I haven’t been able to see my therapist since February (I used to go weekly). I’m basically a whole bunch of issues stuffed into a short 5’1 body that’s never going to get any taller. I have diagnosed general anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, both ranked severe. And I’m just really struggling right now. So I think I’m just going to let everything out here, anyone reading can give advice if you have any.

I had to switch schools in January. I’ve never been the best at making friends and I had to leave all my friends and my boyfriend at school. I’m never allowed out and the online way I could see anyone was at school. I’ve only seen my boyfriend twice since then and I haven’t been able to see any of my friends. At first it kind of sucked because I didn’t know anyone. I joined the colorguard and made some friends and for a bit it was kind of ok. Before break though it started to get worse because I haven’t seen any of my old friends in a while. And now we’re in quarantine and it’ll be longer before I can convince my parents to let me leave the house and see them.

Being stuck in quarantine sucks too because my family gives me a lot of anxiety. My brother and sister constantly get mad at me as well as my parents. My mom straight up hates me because I ruined her life. My dad is fine for the most part but my mom starts arguing with him a lot and I hate it.

I’m also one of those people who are super insecure in a relationship. I’ll do a whole lawyer thing where I social media stalk and build a whole case of evidence against whoever I’m currently insecure about. I’ve been dating him for almost a year and I’m still insecure. He has an ex that he’s still friends with but he’s dated her 8 times and was talking to her again before me. He knows I don’t like her and doesn’t talk to her as much anymore. But I still can’t get my mind off of her. My boyfriend is 2 grades above me and I get really insecure about that. And not only is she about his age but she’s prettier and better than me.

And his best friend is also a girl. I’m pretty ok with that though. She lives in NC (we live in FL) and they’ve been friends since middle school. My only issue is that after corona dies down, he wants to fly to see her for her birthday. I would only maybe go that far for my best friend and even then I know it’s unnecessary. We talked about it and he said that she’s always flown over here for her birthday and he thinks he should this time. Along with the fact he doesn’t want to be stuck alone in his house when his mom leaves to move back to Mexico. I understand the whole thing and I get why he wants to. But I still don’t like it and feel comfortable about it.

I also know I’m horrible about relationships because I’ve been in abusive ones before and I keep getting scared it will be like that again. I know he won’t and he’s a super amazing guy, but I’m still too scared to trust him. And I’m scared I’m somehow going to mess this up because I always mess things up and cause problems. I hate that I’m like this and I just really want to trust him and feel safe and secure. And the saddest part is that he’s the person I trust most in my life and I love him so much and I still can’t seem to let myself be too vulnerable with him because I’m just too scared. It’s been over a year since my last abusive relationship and I’ve been through some really tough things and I know it takes time to heal. But I just hate the power it all still holds over me.

I hate the way I am, I’ve been in therapy for years and take medication but it’s still not ok. I know somethings I just have to deal with. I know I’m going to hear voices the rest of my life, medication and therapy doesn’t just make that disappear. I know I’m still going to get depressed sometimes and still get panic attacks. But I’m just tired of all of it. I’m tired of being in pain and dealing with it. I’m tired of ruining everything and I’m tired of hurting and disappointing people. I’m just tired of being this way.