Porn, sex and relationships

I wasnt going to post this, but I think I need to because its eating me up inside. I'm actually shaking while typing this (haha I'm a loser!)

Preface ... I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and self esteem issues. Not an excuse, but a reason. I've been working hard on not letting little things bother me and doing very well ... except this.

My bf works away from home for 28 days straight at a time. Month on month off so hes away for a month then home for a month. When hes away, he uses porn. He bought a portable dvd player just for it. He used to ask for pics, but when I learned about his porn stash I said no and to delete the pics of me he had. Yes, super petty I know. He said he did. Okay ... he said he didnt want to but he did because I asked him to and he respected my wishes. Okay, remember this part for later....

Anyways, due to vacation time and illness and now this covid19, hes been home since the end of November. He had brought all his gear home with him. Except his porn stash, he left it on the ship. Okay. He has an instagram account that is private, has no posts or followers but follows a bunch of pages. I know its porny pages. His phone is very well protected, hes got all online activity turned off, sound is always off and usually the phone is face down or in his pocket.

So, when we have sex, he always asks me to dress up, do something with my hair etc. Fine, it's fun. But its every single time. He asks me to act out things, pose for him etc. That's fine, it turns him on and I like when hes turned on. The sex is amazeballs everytime, the rare times it happens that is.

So here we get into the problems. It's only when HE initiates it. Usually after hes been in the bathroom for a bit, of course with his phone. Anytime I try to initiate randomly, hes tired, not right now, the kids are here, maybe later etc etc etc ... he barely gets hard! We've had arguments about it of course. His excuses include the fact that hes gained weight, he hasn't been sleeping well, the kids are around. He claims he has a very low sex drive right now. Okay, understandable and that's fine and I get that. There are times when I just dont care to have sex myself so okay, cool.

But he will spend a lot of time in the bathroom... I dont know anyone who poops so much so often. And when I do laundry, there are many pairs of cum stained underwear.

He says he never uses porn when hes home with me. Why? Because he knows I dont like it. Uh .. okay... that's why he doesnt bring it home with him. So all this cum stained underwear ... this low sex drive, the fact that I cant get him hard unless he initiates, that we often dont have sex for weeks at a time ... the hidden online activity, bathroom time, excuse after excuse after excuse to not have sex with me ... I told him I'm not stupid and I know hes using porn.

I know a lot of people think porn is "normal" and everyone does it. But when does it end up becoming a problem where something should be done about it? It can destroy relationships, not just because one person doesn't like it, but when its use actually takes away from beingnwirh the person you're with. I think hes become desensitized, because he just goes online and finds anything he could possibly image, the things I do just aren't enough anymore. And I know its mostly just my self esteem issues, and people will tell me that, but I would rather turn him on myself rather than have to act out or dress up or go to extreme measures to compare to what he will go look at. And if I dont do what he wants when he wants it, he just goes to his phone and there is no sex at all.

We have had many a discussion about this. He doesnt see a problem. How do I make him understand that it IS a problem, even if he thinks it's stupid?