I lost my daughter.....

I lost every reason to smile... I hate myself with burning passion. I know there will be people telling me how horrible I am.

I had a baby 8 months ago. The father cheated on me while I was pregnant and we split. He was still there though. He was. He was at the hospital when she was born. When she got here.. I didn't feel a connection. I hoped I would. I just got more and more depressed. My ex is a very good father and we co parented together.... But my depression consumed me. I wanted to kill myself. Everyday I thought about hurting myself. Then... The worse thoughts happened. She wouldn't stop crying.... I no longer wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt her... I wanted to hurt my daughter. That thought scare me so bad. As the anger and depression built up, I switched between wanting to hurt myself and wanting to hurt my daughter... Finally... I called my ex. He came over and I told him how I felt. We sat in silence... I told him to take her.... He was asking if I was sure about that and I said yes. I didn't want to snap and end up hurting her. He asked for how long and I just told him until I don't feel dangerous. If these feelings don't change... Take her forever and don't tell her about me... He did... It's been a month since I've see her and the guilt and depression is over whelming... I lost will to be happy.