I feel like it’s so far gone now that I just don’t even bother looking in the mirror I get disgusted with what I see. My bf thinks that when he jokes around with me it doesn’t hurt my feelings but the truth is, it absolutely crushes me an I end up in tears later replaying what he said an actually believing it. Maybe he really thinks that an he isn’t joking ... idk I’ve been bullied my entire life as long as I can remember an it isn’t about different things it’s always the same things my teeth , my nose , my face ... in 4th grade this six grade girl who didn’t even know me would scream beaver across the playground an tell me to do things an still refer to me as beaver. The bullying has been the same by different people from elementary, jr high, high school , college. I got called ugly so many times. Another time in college I over heard this 30 year old woman talking about me. someone said I was pretty an she put her hand as a divider an said “yea this half of her” which she was basically saying only my eyes. That bothered me for a very long time I was 18 at the time this woman said this. I’m currently 25 an I just don’t believe a word people tell me anymore. I can truthfully say I hate myself I really cannot stand who I am an maybe that’s a stupid thing of me to say but I wish I had a different face , a different body an sometimes a different personality People suck and they ruin good people I don’t remember the last time that I truly felt good about myself. I’m a very kind person an I get taken advantage of ALOT by people I thought were the closest ones to me. I have fallen into this depression that I dont think it’s possible to get out of anymore an I just think about how I’m gonna die one day hating myself. It sounds selfish to say that because I do recognize the good things in my life an that fact I was blessed with children however that never has stopped these feelings it just temporarily numbs the feeling because those tiny humans love me an they don’t give a shit how I look an it keeps me going. No it isn’t about looks but when you’ve been picked apart your whole life about the way you look or how stupid you are it starts to scar an then that becomes all you’re obsessed about until you end up where I am given up I don’t even brush my hair anymore I take a shower because I have to some days I go 1-2 days without it because why try anymore. Which leads me back to the bf thing ya I have a bf don’t get me wrong he’s great an some might say “ you’re not that ugly if you can get a bf” or whatever you’re thinking ya well he made me feel comfortable in the beginning like I didn’t have to be anyone but myself I never wore makeup around him but then idk things changed .. an now I’m sitting here crying at 1am about something he said two days ago because it’s still replaying in my head. I know that eventually I’m gonna push him away from closing myself off again but I just don’t wanna deal with anyone ever People really do suck.