Please...I am in a fragile state and can not handle any negativity right now so if that’s your game, please spare your time and mine and don’t comment.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was first diagnosed in my teens, but I basically dismissed it and kept it quiet for years. I’m a quiet and private person, so I didn’t tell anyone who could hold me accountable. After my parent’s death, being homeless, and struggling to get back on my feet, I’m doing much better. I’m married with a child and I’m taking my physical and mental health seriously.

I know when I’m in a depressive slope and what to do to help me through it. I know when I’m having an anxiety attack and how to calm myself. I’ve come to terms with these conditions which has helped me appreciate the good in my life. But it’s these other lifelong habits of mine that I’ve dealt with since childhood that I can’t seem to do anything about.

It’s hard for me to start and finish most things. Y’all, I will set timers, place sticky notes everywhere, set reminders in my phone, have my husband remind me, and nothing works. I lose my focus easily unless it’s something I really enjoy like a good book and even then my mind wanders. I can barely pay attention to one conversation. My husband calls me out on it all the time. I am forgetful—despite having good memory (if that even makes sense). I’m in my head way too much—daydreaming or whatnot. Daydreaming is literally how I fall asleep each night when I am able to actually sleep.

Are these behavioral patterns aligned with depression or anxiety?

I’m not lazy, by any means. I’ve worked two (at one point 3) jobs most my life. Currently, I’m a SAHM with a graphic design business that could be doing better if I would stick to one focus. I homeschool and cook every meal for my toddler because of his health issues, but I have yet to be able to keep him on a set schedule because I’m a failure and I can’t stick to anything. I tutor college students and I’m working on getting my first novel published which—I’m sure—I would have done by now if I didn’t lose focus and procrastinate all the time.

My family isn’t in the most favorable of financial situations and I KNOW if I wasn’t the way I am, we would be doing much better. And I hate myself for that. I’ve lost great opportunities because of these habits. And I hate myself for that. I’ve tried strict self discipline, but it didn’t work. And I hate myself for that. These habits are often the cause of a depressive slope or anxiety attack, yet still I cannot make myself change—no matter how much I tell myself I CAN change. And I hate myself for that.

How do I change? Or am I a lost cause?