I’m lost. I’m so devastated.

Yesterday, I had my third miscarriage. Third miscarriage in 8 months. I’m effing destroyed.

First two miscarriage were at 10 weeks and 8 weeks and were missed miscarriages. I went in for an ultrasound and lost each baby. Was scheduled for a D&C both times.

But yesterday was different. 9 weeks 1 day along. Woke up light cramps and brown spotting. Within an hour in turned to red spotting. And the cramps were getting worse by the minute. By 9:30 I passed my first large clot. The size of a golf ball. Within minutes I passed another one. Then another one. I decided to head to the hospital, by myself. I got there and had to go through the Covid-19 assessment like everyone does. By the time I saw the triage nurse, I passed several more clots and was in severe pain. She checked me in then walked me to a room. I was bleeding on the floor with every step. Within 10 minutes I was being assessed by a doctor, and 10 minutes later I was getting pain meds. I’m thankful they were as quick as they were. My nurse, Sarah was amazing. So grateful for her. She took me to the bathroom and while I was peeing I felt the need to push. It hurt. A massive clot came out and I started crying. Nurse came in because she heard me and helped me up. I almost passed out. She helped me back to my room.

After the pain meds were done, the doctor decided to give me a pelvic exam.. it was painful, but nothing compared to what happened next. He said he couldn’t see my cervix, because there was a lot of blood and clots. So he decided to use suction. It was torture. The pain was so intense I was screaming in pain. After 20 minutes of this, the doctor decided it wasn’t working. There was too much blood and too painful for me. More pain meds were ordered. Then it was off to the ultrasound. Then back to my room. All alone. I just sat there and cried. My nurse came in and told me the ultrasound came back, and they called the OB to talk to me about the results. But she wanted to tell me that I did miscarry. She wanted me to let it sink in for a few minutes before the OB came. The pain was unbearable at this point. 2 more rounds of pain meds and nothing touched it.

A few minutes later, OB came in and told me that I had retained product still inside. She said she was really concerned with how much blood I was losing and how much pain I was in. She said safest option was another D&C. I was devastated. She left the room to call the OR to see how long it would be. She immediately came back and said 10 minutes they will be ready. It all happened so fast. I was bawling uncontrollably. The nurses and doctors were so nice. They let me cry. They let me take time when I needed to let everything sink in. They helped me process. It’s only been 24 hours since the procedure. All day I haven’t been able to get out of bed. I can’t eat. I just cry. I have bad thoughts about myself. I just want to know why..

I just felt like writing it all down. Trying to still process what happened.