Tired of this lockdown

I am so tired of this lockdown, maybe it would be different if my life was boring and chill.

But my brother is battling cancer and he just had life changing surgery so we are unable to see him due to no visitor policy.

I would love to dine in again to get away from home and get my mind off of things but every restaurant only does take out now.

My family life isn’t the norm, we fight all the time. We get so mad that we throw stuff at each other like plates and remotes etc. unlike my family I don’t have a temper, I just have anxiety and I never come out of my room until everybody goes to bed. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Everyone is so abusive to each other around here, I’m afraid I’ll get pulled into the fights so I try my best to appear invisible. I just wish lockdown would hurry up and end so we can all go back to work.

It’s easier for us when we don’t spend much time together, that means we aren’t annoyed and won’t start fights. I wish I had a family that was close like other people does but I don’t.

When I was a child my father used to beat my mother it, the yelling and throwing plates just gives me so much flashbacks. He Stopped abusing her around the age of 8 but he turned on my brothers next. He even pulled a gun on one of them before.

But when my youngest brother turned 20 and moved out things calmed down. There was no more fighting like that.

I know have anxiety disorder as maybe my depression is also caused from my childhood.

I honestly think my brother ( the one without cancer ) turned to drugs because he couldn’t deal with the emotional trauma that was caused from our childhood. He finally recovered after 5 years on drugs, my brother with cancer opened his eyes when he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

The abusive moments doesn’t happen anymore, but they still throw items at each other. At least it rarely ties into a fist fight. Though a year ago my drug addict brother and father got into a fist fight. I almost didn’t go to my ultrasound appointment because I was so upset and so tired of my family. My ultrasound was for a growing lymph node under my arm, I was going to skip it because I was emotionally drained and wanted to hide until I felt better, I also thought it was pointless because if figured I had some sort of skin infection that caused it because my blood count was really bad.

But it came back abnormal so I’m glad mymother talked me into going. Flash forward through 3 CT scans , a bunch of blood test , a needle biopsy of my collar bone lymph node, MRI of the brain , and a PET scan and surgery to remove my biggest growing lymph node that I had abnormal scan on. I ended up having 5 lymph nodes removed from that area, my lymph node was so big that I couldn’t feel the enlarged ones under it. I ended up having a rare autoimmune disease which makes me sick alll the time which just adds to my depression.

Just wish life would go back to normal.

Sorry about the depressing post, I just needed to rant to somebody.