I had just had the most handsome baby boy 4 days ago since then I have felt so fucked up. I may not have been the most mentally stable before hand either but since having him all I can do is cry. Im honestly not sure if it's postpartum depression though. When someone comes over I feel fine. When i have other people around or when I go out I feel fine. I just want to go to my parents and introduce my baby to his grandpa who has literally already bought him Christmas presents and tried to work out his baby sitting arrangements cause he was so freaking excited. And i want to take him to meet his great grandpa because after losing his wife, my mamaw, and the person most excited just a couple months ago, I think it would be so good for him to even get to hold this sweet angel. I really just want to go out. I feel like having this baby just made me stuck... My boyfriend has enough on his mind working extra to make up for my check. Even when I talk to him I dont want to put too much on his plate or have him worried. It just seems like so much.

All that quarantine stress on top of the normal stress with a first time mom and the stress from my baby having a hard time even beeing able to eat cause he cant latch on. I just feel like I'm drowning. I really do love this baby but at the same time I think im starting to regret the timing of eveything. A couple months after telling my mamaw i was pregnant she dies, I lost my dog during this pregnancy, my boyfriend had a friend die, the world is going through so much loss and pain and I feel like this whole pregnancy was just bad luck for the world. And I feel like a shitty person and a shitty mom for thinking that.