I know this is absolutely not the best place to post a question this heavy but I can’t speak to a doctor at the moment. I was hoping there would be someone on this platform familiar with sexual abuse in early childhood. I recently learned that there are suspicions from a family member that I was sexually abused by my cousin (who was in his 20s) when I was about 3 1/2 years old.

It’s difficult to provide an accurate timeline of events but my cousin definitely visited me at the very start of 2002. I was told he visited for thanksgiving that year as well and that he possibly stayed over at the house (which would’ve been in a guest room next to my room downstairs, where I slept alone as the rest of the family slept upstairs). My mother discovered that I had warts around my anus (and only in that area) a couple days before thanksgiving, which is odd because I would’ve assumed if something had happened I would have the warts after the incident (unless the abuse occurred before thanksgiving or earlier that year). In December of that same year I was diagnosed with molluscum contagiosum.

I recently received the medical records from that visit and there’s a note that says “vaginal lesions within normal limits”. How could vaginal lesions be normal?

However, the main reason this family member had these suspicions was my behavior following that diagnosis. The next year we were to visit my family in another state (including my cousin). This family member clearly remembers how terrified I was to get on the plane and how frequently I asked if my cousin was going to be there. My mother has also confirmed that I would ask if “my cousin would be there” every time I would take a trip to visit or even simply visiting my dad’s house. That same trip where I was inconsolable on the plane, I had a similar episode in a restaurant (that I actually have a tiny bit of memory from). I refused to go to the table (again, my cousin was there), and sat in the waiting area while family tried to coax me to come over and eat. Eventually I did because I remember closing my eyes and covering my face while chewing my food. I remember feeling his presence there. Then apparently, to my family member’s recollection, when I reached a certain age I started becoming “flirtatious” with him, sitting on his lap, playing with his hair, etc.

Now here is my present condition:

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and even PTSD. I became a frequent self-harmer at the age of 13. I struggled with body dysmorphia for most of my life. My physical condition is just as fucked up. I have been recently diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and nerve pain at the entrance of my vagina. I have painful sex, I have never orgasmed. EVER. The pain during physical therapy is excruciating. I have no memory of anything ever happening but I’ve always felt odd.

Sorry for the long post but I needed all of this off my chest. Bottom line is, I hope that someone out there knows what causes vaginal lesions “within normal limits”, if molluscum and the location it was in was likely caused by sexual contact, if my behavior at that age was a clear sign that something was wrong, and any other advice or knowledge about sexual abuse examinations for young children?

This possibility haunts me everyday and all I want are answers for what I experienced