My mom was running me around the house doing chores and everyone was talking, and music was playing while the tv was on and every single noise was suddenly super loud and overwhelming. I managed to keep myself calm and put on my nice headphones and got really focused on working. Everything was good, I was fine, and the music I was listening to kept me in a good mood. My brother came over while I was doing the dishes and yanked the rag out of the sink so fast it pulled water up and soaked me. My mom got mad when I asked him why he did that, ripped my headphones off, threw them, and yelled at me for “being all bitchy when I have to do anything.”

I finished the dishes and went on a walk to clear my head. It didn’t work and I was just stumbling around having a mental breakdown. I kept trying to reassure myself that I’m fine and I’ll be okay and it didn’t work so I just cried and screamed and I even contemplated offing myself and made a rope from vines and reeds, but I couldn’t go through with it.

I came back in the dark, soaked and shivering because it got cold. My moms reaction to seeing me come home after being gone for HOURS was: “Are you still being pissy? What the hell did I do to deserve this? Whatever, you have food on the counter. You’re lucky I saved you some.”

I feel like shit. Like I’m a problem. Like no matter what I do I’m just a pissy bitch. And I really want to do it. I know the knot for it. I might not be found for weeks or maybe months, but would it really matter. I want to live but I can’t keep living like this and there’s nothing I could do to change it.