Hi all!

So I normally don’t post or even have any social media or social life really. Friends are very hard for me to have and recently with the convid-19 going on and being pregnant and not to close to family and things with the fiancé aren’t great I’ve been feeling really out of place and depressed. I have two older kids from previous relationships and one with my fiancé. I have a 14yr old, 8yr old, and 15 month old. With one on the way I feel as though a lot has been on me. Especially cause before this virus came around I was just beginning to be “free” I had just stopped breastfeeding and was doing an externship to start my career. Then BOOM I found out just before Valentine’s Day I was pregnant again. I had to stop going to my externship cause it was at a hospital and I didn’t want to take the chance of exposing myself or my family. Now over two months later I found myself in this confusing mind set. Now my fiancé works from home mostly and since having our son things in our relationship have changed. Before when I was pregnant with our son he was very sensitive and caring. He wouldn’t let me lift a finger but now I feel as though things took a turn after I had our son. Taking care of baby was totally up to me. At first I was ok with it since he was one month premature (still 7lbs 12oz at birth) and so small that dad didn’t feel comfortable changing diapers or bathing but now it’s been over a year and not once has he bathe our son. Diaper changes are rare and my fiancé always makes note to tell me he’s changed a diaper that day since me asking him for more help with our son but he does it in a very rude and as if his job was fulfilled and no more needs to be done. Lately cause the pregnancy I’ve been so tired that when our son wakes up at 7am i stick dad to take watch while I try to get a couple extra zzz’s but normally that’s short lived cause I can hear him yelling at our son (who gets into everything at this age) and because my fiancé has IBS he’s usually comes back into the room within the hour to well I’m sure you could guess it...so I get up to feed, change, play with our son til nap time. By nap time I feel like I’m the one needing a nap too! Oh wait did I forget to mention that before nap time that my fiancé has told me multiple times he’s hungry as if he’s a child waiting for mommy to make him a meal. Not to forget that if I don’t or ignore the comments (cause to me asking would be nicer) that he gets upset and either gets fast food(which makes IBS worse) or is forced to make himself something to eat. Oh yeah and to add the cherry topper as if there wasn’t enough I’ve had horrible morning sickness that I can’t even bare to cook anything and it’s straight torture when I have to cook dinner EVERYNIGHT! Ok maybe this is more me venting cause again as I said I don’t have friends like none not even a childhood friend. Anywho I know there’s bigger issues going on but I’m very worried about mental health cause lately I’ve been super stressed and having migraines that I’ve never had before getting pregnant or even at all. I’m worried things between me and my fiancé/man child will get worse when we have our second child. I’m not sure of myself with handling four kids and a household. Cleaning, meals, newborn, toddler, older kids at home schooling, their needs and the needs of the man child I mean my fiancé...like where do I fit it???

I know this is long and some of you might not read this and others will be judging me and think I’m totally out of my mind but thanks to those of you who don’t judge and take the time to read it and either relate or just have some advice to handle what I’m going through. I know people always say your not alone but I sure feel alone with all these thoughts running through my head.