i’m not really sure how to start this other than some background I guess. my husband and i have been married since 19 & 20 and started trying to get pregnant about a year after that so it’s been over 2 years that we’ve been actively trying. I have PCOS and knew it would be hard to get pregnant, but not like this.

I went to the doctors at the beginning of the year and she gave me clomid (to make me ovulate since I don’t on my own) and told me I could start it after I get my chicken pox shot (apparently I wasn’t immune even though i got both as a child idk) so I get the first one and the lady says “this is a 2 part shot you have to wait 30 days and come back and get the second one then wait another 30 days before you can start trying”. my 30 days post 2nd shot lined up perfectly with when my period would be coming so i could start the meds on CD 3-7 or whatever it is. but my period that has been regular-ish for the last year decided that she was reverting to her old ways and i’m a week late with all negative pregnancy tests and i’m unable to start my meds since it’s dependent on where i’m at in my cycle/period. my nipples hurt. my left ovary hurts. and i’m unbelievably sad.

then tonight i was scrolling through tiktok like I have been for the last so many hours and i’ve seen tons of pregnant people and babies and i’ve been fine not phased at all but then i watched a video of a pregnant lady on there literally just showing her clothes and I went on to the next video fine and then my chest got a really sharp pain right in the middle like the kind when you can physically feel your heart breaking and you just get overwhelmed by an instant wave of sadness and i’ve been crying for hours.

my husband isn’t home and none of my friends understand at all.. they all get pregnant if a guy looks at them or they don’t want/like kids or they just overall wouldn’t understand. I don’t think anyone does unless you’re dealing with it personally.

I really don’t know the point of this other than to just vent and hopefully get a few words of encouragement if there’s any to spare. i don’t want pity because I know people try for way longer and experience losses along the way but it is just so heavy on me tonight and it came from nowhere.. if you’ve gotten this far, i’m sorry for the rambling but I appreciate you anyways.

xx