Please, I don’t need judgement. For that, I could tell friends/family this. Please just let me vent.

My husband is very disappointed in my desire to go on birth control. I’m not even 30, and have 4 children. He agreed to and allowed BC once, after our third child. The first 3 are all 2 years apart and that’s only because of military deployments in between. About 2 years ago, he began having affairs again. He’s always had affairs, from the beginning and including throughout pregnancies so please don’t focus on or shame me for this. But this time he began having children on me, all while telling me I needed to come off of birth control to give him another baby. When I cried miserably over the first, he acted so sorry and he cried and all. A couple months later when I learned of the second, he mocked me and told me if I wanted him to stop that I needed to come off of BC and give him a baby. I found that statement sickening, but a week later learned I was already pregnant. This made 3 of us due literally just a month apart from each other. He ended up telling me I (his wife) needed to abort because he was overwhelmed. Though I struggled with mental anguish, I didn’t abort. I did leave him though. Finally. Now, since then he’s changed and he’s applying effort like he hasn’t before. We’ve halted our divorce proceedings. Now, he’s been great to me and the army is working to reunite us. But he wants more children. Told me he never wants it to end. Told me I’m taking away his powers by not letting him impregnate me. Told me “I don’t have to” but I can’t take his power away. I can’t take the thought of him doing to me again what he’s clearly suggesting he will do. He claims he was only referring to the birth control and the fact that there’s been times I didn’t get pregnant so we should just roll the dice. But when I told him it felt he was making a threat to impregnate more women, he didn’t deny it. He simply said “well your safety’s first”...like he’s giving me a medical excuse considering our prior 4 cesareans but will still put someone in my place, again. Despite the health concern + the shame I get from doctors and family everytime I end up pregnant again + me feeling inadequate because I can’t deliver vaginally + him telling me how pregnancy keeps my behavior in control and keeps me his + mental trauma of always being cheated on while pregnant + watching him tell one of those others how good they look pregnant while he’s never told me that...we also have a son whose proven to need all the attention and support he can get. This past week, he was even diagnosed with both autism and ADHD. I am stretched and he wants to stretch me thinner. He’s often away because of the military. I have no support. I often break down with no one to turn to. I’m sure my kids sometimes feel that stress. My oldest does more than a kid should have to because he tries to help me. My husband says I need to learn to submit to him as our religion calls. I wish so badly he could appreciate what we have. He just wants more and more until I have nothing more to give but my life.