literally ruined my vagina forever

*TMI/TW please be mature/kind*

so my ex/bd basically forced me to have sex 2 weeks postpartum. i said i didn’t want to several times but he did anyways, and said if i wanted to stop he would. i still said no and he kept going until the bed was basically a murder scene, bright red blood. i’m pretty positive my stitches tore, but i haven’t been to the gyno since. my son is 1 now. (i know i need to go sometime but i moved states and haven’t got set up here with one.)

i have looked with a mirror once or twice and noticed that it looks different. today i really examined for the first time. usually the “opening” to the vagina would be like an O more or less. well mine now opens up at the bottom, not a full circle. i think this is where the stitches tore. there are two little “flaps” which look like they should be connected.

i also felt with a finger, and the opening also goes down there too, where it’s opened up/ripped and healed that way. so the opening is really big now. even when i’m laying in bed with no pants doing nothing, air gets trapped in it. like it’s that bad :( never mind how much air would get trapped when i was still having sex. he (my ex) also told me my vagina “looked huge now”

i am now VERY self conscious about it. i’ve been talking to someone for months now and we’ve finally started seeing eachother but haven’t slept together yet. i know a man who loves me won’t care but i personally do care. i feel like my vagina is so ugly, loose, ruined. i should’ve gone to the gyno the day he did that and got stitches back but now it’s stuck like this forever. it’s my body and i cant do anything about it, my shitty ass ex ruined it and just about everything else in my life besides giving me my son.

i guess the point of this post is to make me feel better please 😞 maybe kind words, if you’ve gone through something similar, if yours looks like this after childbirth as well, if there’s anything they could do to ‘fix’ this?? ugh. :( i try not to think about it but it’s really getting to me. especially now that i’m dating again.