I just feel like I am pulled in so many directions, doing the best I can but still feel like I am failing/drowning in wearing all the hats. I’m dealing with a custody battle that’s been going on since December, working through trauma stuff with my therapist, lost my job due to covid, had to move back in with my parents, had to rehome my dog, dealing with my narcissistic ex; working from home what i can, Etc. I have a very testy but very kind hearted 3.5y/o and a feisty sweet 8month old who, lately, doesn’t want to be held but doesn’t want to be down playing so is either screaming or twisting diving off my hip as I’m trying to get something done or play with him. And as I do things or clean up my 3.5y/o is a literal walking tornado of messes undoing whatever I just cleaned or jumping by his brother giving me insane anxiety, (which was validated by him trying to “tow” my younger son and ending up knocking the stroller over which has never happened, that alone makes me feel like a failure, I just couldn’t get there fast enough because I was hosing off the deck maybe 10 feet away, they were both laughing at the water spraying toward them) I can never leave the room without my littlest in reach/sight in fear my older son will trip on him or accidentally hurt him I am ALWAYS picturing what could happen if he fell as he’s twirling around dancing, racing, etc. I don’t know if it’s excessive anxiety or what I don’t know if this is normal? But I have been extra on top of it, he tries to help in a lot of ways but I had a less patient day than “ideal” and I just kept dismissing his willingness to help because it stressed me out I.e. he wanted to help me make my bed but was jumping around and my younger son was playing on the floor while I did it quick, I just felt on edge that he might hop off and land on my younger son so I asked him to just let me do it because I didn’t want him to get hurt and he could help me with the last corner from the ground. And he fought bed time because he fell asleep this afternoon and would NOT wake (he can’t nap or else bed time is a mess) I haven’t showered in a week because he’s been having these afternoon crashes and fighting bed time. And so on the third time he came out I carried him to bed set him on it and got stern with him that I had already snuggled, read two stories, gave him special milk, and I needed to shower. And he just got really sad

, said I hurt him when I picked him up (he was kicking at me so I just picked him up under the arms but he’s also 40lbs so if he’s flailing like that I’m sure it’s uncomfortable, I mean it is for me so I can imagine), I told him I was sorry that I hurt him I was not trying to but that he can’t kick at me because that makes it harder to carry him in a way that doesn’t hurt him, then he got frustrated/sad rolled over and finally fell asleep. A couple nights ago as I was snuggling him I said I’m sorry we had a hard day, he said it’s ok mommy it’s ok to have a hard day. We all have hard days. He’s just so sweet and wants to help but sometimes it’s hard to see in the moment how to best deal with both my anxiety and his behavior. It breaks my freaking heart. I feel like a horrible mom. Is this even normal? Am I alone in this? I feel so isolated and just like I can never do enough.