I don’t even know anymore

Sorry, I know it’s long. I just kind of needed to rant a little.

I’ve wanted to be a mom for my entire life. It’s the only thing I have ever wanted. I’m type 1 diabetic, so I know it’s something that I probably have to act on sooner rather than later, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to grasp that. His mom had his sister when she was 40 and his dad was 53. I know that isn’t a reality for me, nor do I want it to be.

Every time I bring it up, he says we’ll get there when everything is in place. I’m overwhelmingly angry and upset. I work. A lot. I’ve put myself through college and grad school working 60-90 hour weeks. I still live home because I’m saving money for a down payment on a house, but he and I could easily afford to live together...if he’d get a job.

He’s sober. And when he was trying to get sober he quit his job in a fit and claimed it would help him do what he needed to do. Newsflash: it didn’t. It took months of unemployment and then two trips to rehab before he got sober. He had to do fieldwork to finish his masters, so I understood that he couldn’t work full time while doing it, making AA meetings, making it to outpatient, and still attending class. But now he’s finished his masters and somehow he hasn’t finished some of the things he needed to in order to get licensure and get a job in his field. He’s working on it. But in the meantime he’s being picky about employment opportunities and I’m still working multiple jobs from my childhood home, willing to take on a third job just to be able to get out of this house.

I know that he’s going through a lot, but we had an accidental pregnancy in December. It wound up being a chemical pregnancy and I was kind of devastated. He knows I’m upset but it’s not the kind of thing he wants to talk about because he wants to move forward. Which would be okay if he was actively taking steps to move forward.

I’m 12 days late this month and I have 10 negative tests, so I can’t be pretty certain I’m not pregnant. I’m just so sad. Because here I am watching my chances at having the family I always wanted dwindle. He’s said he’d be happy if we had a baby. But he doesn’t want to purposely get pregnant and he wants to wait at least a year after he gets a job (which he’s being super picky about what he’ll apply to). I understand financial responsibility and I understand him wanting to wait, but we’re talking over a year without steady income. He needs to suck it up and find a job.

I thought I’d be a mom by now. I thought I’d be married and have a house and at least be pregnant by now. But every month it feels like it just gets further away. I’m working toward it and he’s just asking me to continue to support him by giving up what I want. It’s making me start to resent him, and I don’t know what to do about that anymore. We’ve been together four and a half years and we’ve been through a ton. But I’m really starting to resent that he keeps asking me to wait for what I want. We even made the decision to use my grandmother’s engagement ring after she passed away because it has sentimental value and it took away the financial burden of having to buy a ring. He’s claimed at various points in time that he would’ve gotten me the ring I wanted regardless if he had the money (it’s literally a $500 ring and I know for a fact that he got that much from one of his 10 aunts/uncles for graduation). It’s not that I want or need him to spend the money and buy the ring (though that would be nice), it’s that he clearly does not want to. I’m so sick of being ignored and putt off. I feel like I’ve stuck it out through so much shit with him and he’s not even willing to have some sort of reasonable conversation. It’s his plan or no plan.