Why does he do this? UPDATED

I was going to talk to our “premarital” counsellor about this, (already married but wedding later this year), but I can’t wait. I need advice. Here is a list of talking points I was going to bring up:

- [ ] His Anger: I’ve tried to vocalize and communicate this to him. Maybe I haven’t done a good job of that, or maybe it hasn’t sunken in for him. Or maybe he denies responsibility for himself. I want to be clear. There has been no physical abuse to me. Here are my thoughts:

- [ ] Rage Outbursts: He hurls insults and calls me names. He takes shots at my self esteem. He threatens divorce. He calls me a child. He lectures me for 5 hours doing this. Then he complains that I don’t respond. Of course I’m going to shut down or do or say anything just to have the insults stop. I do take responsibility and ownership of the fact I have a hard time communicating under these circumstances. However This is not healthy communication. It is never okay to name call or bash your spouse. It needs to change. Also, He threw a plate at our dog, shattering it on the wall, all because he left his plate of food unattended at her eye level and she wasn’t trained. That’s human error not hers. He has also ripped a painting off the wall and thrown it across the room, within 2 feet of my head. He’s hurled his phone across the room, denting the wall. He threw my ring light I need for work, breaking it. He threw a laundry basket full of clothes. This isn’t simple anger.

- [ ] Contradiction: I am so confused most of the time about what it is he wants. Sometimes I do things just to make sure I’m not going to get yelled at, and then I get yelled at anyways. Example: I thoroughly clean the entire house all day, but he gets mad about one cup he finds in the garage. He wants me to cook all the time. He says as long as I show I’m making the effort any food is fine. But then when I make something that’s not a feast that takes 2+ hours to make, or something I like eating, he complains that I don’t care because I threw stuff in a bowl and serve him “like a dog.” One time he stormed out of the house from the dinner table in front of his daughter because I served something he apparently didn’t like. If I offer to make him food 4-5 times throughout the day, he says he’s not hungry or no. Then that night yells at me saying I didn’t feed him all day. He once asked for a glass of water, which I gave him. He repeated it. I said it is water. He got up and shook a Gatorade bottle at me and yelled GLASS OF WATER. How am I supposed to know that? Then he says I don’t know him because I didn’t know that. Even though we love each other, we can’t expect each other to be mind-readers. And we certainly can’t punch holes in our walls and lash out like that. He says he doesn’t want me to work. But then gets mad because I’m not working. Hot and Cold....

- [ ] Snoring: He says I never tried to fix the issue. Except I did. I tried more than 15 remedies. I then saw a specialist. Had a sleep study done. How is that not trying? He snores too. I’ve shown him evidence. I have to deal with it on my side too. But he doesn’t consider that. I think it’s his own insecurities coming into play. And his fears from his ex wife that drive him. But I’m not his ex wife. I’m a different person. The only similarity between this marriage and that one is him. That being said, maybe it is him that needs to adjust.

- [ ] Kid: He goes off on me in front of Emma. She already went through a divorce. She needs to see a happy couple and healthy relationship. But even Emma stands up to him saying I’m right. Since she was 5. It’s not her responsibility. And he shouldn’t put his kid in the position to have to do that.

- [ ] Conclusion: With all of this having been said, it’s my opinion that he has some major walls he’s put up around his heart. I suspect it’s from his previous marriage. I have only knocked a few windows into that wall. But he needs to open up, be more vulnerable with me, and start tearing down that wall. And it starts with behavior therapy or behavior modification. Anger management. Coping skills. Anything to help him. Please tell me if I am wrong, I am open to that possibility. I love him. I am committed to him and the marriage. I will do what I can to support him. But he needs to open himself up to change with this. Sometimes stress in life can’t be helped. But what you do with that stress and anger can be helped.

UPDATE:

Ok I’ve heard all of you and it is valid.

A couple of points:

I am the child’s step parent. Not legal parent. I have no rights to take her. She is from his previous marriage.

I have looked up “coercive control” at the request of a commenter. He does match some of these. It is a red flag.

To me marriage is serious. And I won’t walk out unless I know I have tried everything to salvage it/him first. I would like to have a heart to heart conversation with him regarding him getting help, but don’t even know where to start. If any of you can help me with this and maybe give me a basic script to build off of that would be great.