how i feel

not always but often i feel insignificant.. i feel like i do nothing right & that im worthless . like im a waste of space. id thought id overcome this when i was very depressed about a year before i had my most second child 3 months ago but the moment it hit me i was pregnant i started to mentally break down again & feel it happening more & more throughout my pregnancy. now i look in the mirror & im disgusted . im fat , i put on make up my skin is so fucking dry i cant even do that . i have to go back to work in 2 weeks. & i cant tell if thats good because i can get out of my head some or if its bad because thats one more thing im going to have to manage.. i cry in the shower way too often & when i do one thing wrong i break down & get very close to harming myself as i guess a punishment (banging my head on the wall, smacking myself stuff like that) i want to see a therapist but i cant afford that . & when i try to explain my feelings of depression with my so he thinks just telling me im pretty is enough. when you feel this low that is no where near enough. i dont want to tell ppl this because then theyll say im crazy & may even think i should be away from my girls . my girls were never the problem, i am . just a rant not really looking for advice.