BAD RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCES??!

Question

Hey there ladies,
I figured we could share golden nuggets with each other on what each of us have done or do to help protect ourselves from entering bad relationships. What are some things you learn to watch out for? What are some of your red flags now that you have learned? Did you read any books or watch any videos to help teach you? 
Alsoooooo....🌺👛💄💋
What are some of the things you learned to help preserve your good relationships? What have you adjusted about yourself? What books or videos did you read or watch? Any advice?

Answer

Golden rule...: recieve. As a women sit back and see what a man is teying to being into your life. Does he bring solace, stability, help mentally emotionally spiritually physically and financially? Or does he bring negativity, anger, foolishness, pain, heartache, stress. Women biologically recieve a mans sperm first before giving him a baby. So physically what is he trying to deposit
into your life. Examine that before you invest emotionally or sexually.... that will save you wasted time and heartache!

Answer

I have made so many bad decisions, and learned on my own, from my own experience. So many women tolerate so many things because they don’t want to be alone, guys know this and they use you and take advantage and we forgive them and it’s a cycle unfortunately they do the minimal and reap the benefits, they Move On, they repeat the cycle. The biggest thing you want to look for is a man’s level of effort. His level of effort, dictates his level of interest in you. If he’s not making the effort towards you, who or what is he making the effort towards. You are supposed to be a priority, not a back up plan or a side piece. And always know that you deserve better. Never settle for less than you deserve, do not be the one making all the effort and sacrifices in the relationship to keep things going, it is so draining. Learn to love yourself, figure out who you are, find your purpose in life. Life is what you make it, if you’re not happy, you￼￼￼ change what you can, and what you can’t change, you learn to love, accept and embrace yourself flaws and all. A man does not complete you or define you or your happiness nor does the number on the scale or the size of your pants or the number of followers etc. you complete and define yourself and your happiness. It’s ok to be alone. Learn not to care what anyone thinks of you. Other peoples opinions are dust in the wind and do not matter, the only opinion that matters is your own. Everyone else can kiss your butt. Learn to fall in love with yourself, pamper yourself, date yourself, appreciate yourself, not judge yourself or compare yourself to others. By comparing yourself to others, you’re putting yourself down, you are judging yourself and you are judging them. You deserve better than that. You are an Amazing person inside and out, anyone who doesn’t see it that way, doesn’t deserve to be in your life. You deserve happiness, choose happiness, choose it daily, if you are not happy in a relationship, then walk away. Just because you’ve been with someone a long time, doesn’t mean you have to stay. You don’t owe them anything, the only one you owe something to, is yourself, you owe yourself happiness and sanity. You deserve the best. Never allow loneliness to be the reason that you settle or tolerate BS because you don’t want to be alone. Guys know that you don’t want to be alone and they use that to their advantage to get away with murder. Never take back a cheater, because when they do it again, and they will, they know that the behavior is acceptable and that you will tolerate it, because you don’t want to be alone. And by you staying, It teaches them that you don’t respect yourself and that they shouldn’t respect you either and that every time that you forgive them, the less respect they have for you. They know that you are a doormat and you will tolerate whatever and they can treat you horribly and belittle you and abuse you because you don’t stand up for yourself and you don’t put them in their place or leave.￼￼￼ As you get older, you learn to stop tolerating crap. When I was younger in my early 20s, sex would suck, they wouldn’t please me, they just wanted oral sex and I was OK with that because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t learn that it’s OK to say something, that it’s OK to guide someone when it comes to sex, most guys are clueless, where they think what works for one person, works for everyone else. Their sex education is probably from watching porn or what their friends told them, and are oblivious to what actually works for a woman.  Because the other women probably were too scared to say something. They didn’t wanna bruise their ego or rock the boat or make him leave. The guy that I’ve been with since October 2019, the first thing I asked him was what are your intentions, what are you looking for, do you want a relationship, friends with benefits, or a hook up. I told him I don’t do hook ups or friends with benefits, I don’t waste my time, I’m a relationship girl and if you’re not on board with that, then I don’t want to waste my time. He said we are boyfriend and girlfriend right now then. He saw my worth, he saw my value because he had a thing for me for several years and always wanted to be with me. He makes the effort every single day, I told him that effort and consistency are very important in a relationship. I do not chase after a man, I will not beg you to stay. If you stop making the effort, so will I. ￼￼￼ We do not fight, we do not argue, if something arises we talk about it calmly. Guys stop listening when you raise your voice, or yell, or nag them. If you talk calmly and this is the person you’re actually supposed to be with, things can get resolved and improvements are made rather than no change and you’re both miserable. Another thing I asked him was about how he handle stress, how he handles his anger, or frustrations, does he have anger issues, is he going to take them out on me. What was his childhood like, his parents dynamic, did he have an example of a loving relationship, was he jealous or possessive or envious or controlling, or manipulative, I ask everything upfront, because I don’t waste my time, I don’t want to be six months or a year from now and then find out that he’s abusive, because everyone puts on their best face in the beginning during the honeymoon phase. You don’t find out these things until they are tested and a situation arises and those emotions come out. I know most girls are afraid to ask these things, but I’m not. ￼ I wanna know what I’m dealing with, if they have any psychological issues and how are they dealing with them and are they going to affect me. Guilt or manipulation or control etc. If he’s got depression and anxiety, is he going to take things out on me, is he taking medication, does he need to see counseling, does he have unresolved issues from childhood. When I used to ask him about his childhood, he would say, I don’t wanna talk about it. He came from a broken home, his father was an alcoholic and abusive to both him and his siblings and mother.  It took a while for him to open up about those things. But eventually he told me, he tells me everything now,  we are as open and honest as it gets. We never fight and argue, he did get lazy at one point and I stopped making the effort as well and he realized it. And we talked about it. He said. so if I do this and I do this, then you will do this? I said absolutely.  So he stopped the crap of being lazy and not making the effort and things are back to normal￼. A lot of the times guys will get comfortable and get lazy, unfortunately and do the minimal but unfortunately, that does not work for me. I also know that guys are not psychic and can’t read minds. If you want something then say you want it, take a picture of it, tell him where he can get it. Let them know ahead of time when things are coming up a birthday and anniversary etc. Let them know two weeks ahead of time, let them know a week ahead of time, let him know three days from them. Guys are forgetful and can only focus on one thing at a time. Their priority is going to work and coming home to relax. They don’t pay attention to details. Which is why you see most men of Christmas Eve at the mall shopping because they forgot. I grew up in a house full of men so I know how men think and had mostly male friend’s growing up. They don’t know the color fuchsia or aqua they know basic colors. If you want them to go to the store to get some thing, send them with a picture so that they can show somebody what they need and say can you find me this. They don’t know the difference between body scrub and body wash and hand lotion and things like that, send them with the empty container or send them with the photo. Otherwise they’re coming back with the wrong thing.￼...I have dealt with my own issues, I have been through pretty much almost anything that somebody can go through, which is why I can relate because I’ve been through it myself, from sexual abuse as a child, I was an alcoholic by the age of 12, stripper, I did basically anything and everything for a man’s attention and affection. I was a dominatrix, I had eating disorders, I used to cut and burn myself, I have been raped, I have had two miscarriages, I’ve been with abusive, cheaters, that used me, your name and I’ve dealt with it. My father died when I was four years old, I’ve dealt with death, funerals, I’ve dealt with car accidents and injuries I’ve dealt with you name it. But those things don’t define me, but they made me who I am, and I learned from my own experiences what not to repeat, what not to tolerate, and how to heal and how to get over those things. A lot of the times we have issues and things that we carry with us because of previously being hurt or whatever it may be.  And sometimes we develop trust issues or insecurities or doubts or are controlling or whatever it may be. But in essence, we need to learn to forgive ourselves and give ourselves some grace and take it one day at a time. Forgiving yourself for your bad decisions that you’ve made, forgiving those that hurt you, not to their face, but to yourself, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace within and they are no longer going to win and they are no longer going to be the reason for your unhappiness in life, you deserve happiness. Don’t allow them to sabotage current or future relationships because you develop these issues because of being hurt from before.  You have to let that go, otherwise it’s just gonna keep repeating over and over again and you become a toxic person that’s harmful to others. Unfortunately because something happened, you will still be OK, you just have to take it one day at a time and get over those issues before they sabotage other relationships. Because it’s not fair to blame someone for what someone else did to you. Eventually, People get tired of the same fights and arguments over and over again and they want out.

BAD RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCES??!

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