Family relationships advice

Hi all,

I want to help myself move forward in life ( physically and mentally) and I believe my relationships with my mom hold me down a lot. I’d like to hear some thoughts, maybe stories on how you dealt with your parents in college and after.

I am 23 and my mom raised me almost alone ( except for my grandma on dads side). I’m genuinely proud and happy that my mom is a strong person and found strength and money to bring me up. She still supports me partially with money and that’s her parenting style basically. She is a provider without emotional intimacy.

I love her and she deserves happiness, and now she has a beautiful daughter , husband and a great in-law family. My only wish in life is to be independent enough so I can just help them and become like an adult figure for my sister.

Our relationships were always incredibly difficult, it felt like we don’t speak the same language and having a never-ending fight. For some years I believed I will cut her off completely when I grow up. But things got somewhat better when I moved away.

I don’t think she knows me at all and I often feel down after talking to her still.

This is my fifth year living away and soon my program finishes and I either have to find a job or go home. This time I feel so incredibly desperate because I can’t land a job in my current position and I probably have to get masters first. But I absolutely dread coming home. Mostly because my mother literally has breakdowns and shouts at me hysterically every time that gets brought up. She has been telling me same things for five years ( basically expectations and lectures about what I should strive for - good job , money , residency abroad) and although I share these goals - it’s unbearable burden. I also can’t imagine coming home since there are now five people living in our apartment and I have no money to rent.

I can’t talk to her or ask advice about work , because she says “You know I support you with anything” but since there is no work and I’m completely confused and desperate, she only gets angry at my “passive negative approach” .

To say that it’s not helpful and I don’t feel any support is an understatement. Especially because I struggle with depression and I can’t talk about it either because she doesn’t believe in this ( psychology / mental illness).

When several years ago I was depressed and tried to kill myself ( it worked out and I got courage to tell my mom kinda asking for help ) her response was borderline “Get over it , get yourself together , because I can’t help you “

She recently called and gave me a lecture out of nowhere on how i shouldn’t even consider coming back to our country. When I tried to tell her it’s not helpful - she flipped it over , blamed me for not appreciating her support and judging her all the time , got angry and sad, then hang up on me. Which ended with her mother in law ( who I genuinely respect ) to send me some really upsetting messages , where she guilt tripping me into apologizing to my mother. That’s about it.

I don’t know what to do anymore . Because I can’t stand hearing for a million time how I should do all those things to improve my life when I know she doesn’t even understand how it works and how hard it is in my position. ( Being a foreigner in Europe without a visa, permanent place to live or friends nearby) Her attitude makes me so much worse and I feel like I have no choice but to try and stay here even in the bad conditions. I feel powerless and alone and can’t talk to her because she literally doesn’t let me speak.

She was an overbearing strict parent who made choices for me and pushed me to do things. I don’t know how to become a separate person now.

I’ll appreciate any advice )

Thank you for reading