So I had a miscarriage a year ago and I’ve kept it to myself a lot. I don’t like to talk about it to anyone because then they pity me. And now I’m infertile. My boyfriend finally decided he wanted to have kids and we found out I can’t have any. I’m literally 20 years old and I can’t have a baby. Yea I know 20 years old is young. I have my career already, I’m financially and mentally prepared for a baby. So please don’t judge.

My best friend got pregnant 6 months after me and told me about it. I’m not going to lie I was jealous. But I had to put my feelings aside to help her. I set her up an appointment at a clinic to actually go see if she was pregnant (she was in shock and couldn’t believe any of the tests). So the appointment ended up being on my birthday and I went with her. I drove and hour from my house to hers to go to the clinic. I saw her baby and I immediately got sad but I didn’t want to show it and I just made sure I looked happy. I am happy for her she has a beautiful baby boy that I adore. Through out her pregnancy I helped her with a lot. I even ordered her milk bags off amazon but they ended up coming to my house so I drove an hour to her house to drop them off. I was preparing myself but I ended up giving her all the baby stuff I bought. But that same day of her ultrasound, since it was my birthday I went home and I locked myself in my room. My boyfriend chose to work on my birthday which made me even more upset. So I popped open a bottle of tequila and I got high. I drank almost the full bottle of tequila. I think I left like a quarter. Just straight tequila and got high. I blacked out. I couldn’t take it anymore I needed to numb out the pain I felt. The next day he told me everything I said and did. I called him at work, he came home and he saw I was hella drunk and I told him to leave me because I knew he didn’t love me. I really told him to go back with his ex because he still had feelings for her and then I threw up on myself. I was a mess

Fast forward to now, I stopped drinking like that. But when I do it’s just a bottle of cheap wine. I don’t live with my boyfriend anymore because I felt like he didn’t want me there. After I moved out he finally decided to change. We still visit each other sometimes. I’m still depressed lmao. I can’t stop thinking about the baby I lost and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I can’t have kids. Every month I take a pregnancy test just Incase. Nothing. Always nothing, I break my own heart all the time. I’m young I know but I’m thinking about giving up. I’ll just focus on my future or expand my career. I’ve tried many coping methods but nothing helps or fills the void I have. And I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I feel like I need someone that has been through the same pain to understand what I feel

Sorry for the long ass post