I have experienced every bad thing that can happen to a person. I’m only 24! Sexual assault as a child, living in a NYC homeless shelter for years as an adult, being married to a physically and emotionally abusive husband, being unemployed and struggling with money, being a survival sex worker and risking something bad happening to me by going to stranger’s apartments, being anxious and depressed, having an alcohol abuse problem, etc. I don’t know how to heal. As I get older, my life gets worse. I can’t stop drinking because I can’t even cope with being alive. (I don’t want to kill myself.)

My husband consistently reminds me he doesn’t want to be with me, but I can’t deal with being alone. He has literally packed up his things and walked out the door multiple times, but as soon as I’m alone I break down and freak out and feel like I’m dying. So I beg him to come back. All I want is to be loved, and he says he loves me as a person but doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t handle that. The one person who’s supposed to love me just doesn’t.

I used to be beautiful. Everyone in my life who I met told me I was good looking. Then with the alcoholism and living in a homeless shelter, not having access to a kitchen, I gained 100 pounds and most of it happened in a year. Now people don’t look at me like they used to. I can’t even find someone else if my husband were to actually leave me. And of course he doesn’t touch me sexually. He didn’t even want to have sex with me when I was thin and beautiful, but we would do it maybe once a month (for like 10 seconds) at least.

I feel like things got really bad at the beginning of last year when I had an abortion. I didn’t want the baby, but still it somehow affected me and I feel like I never healed. And now I might be pregnant and have to get an abortion again. I thought about keeping it, but I don’t want to harm the baby because I can’t stop myself from drinking. Me being possibly pregnant is making me want to drink even more. I don’t want another abortion. Let me explain that the first pregnancy was caused by my husband as a punishment for me not wanting to go buy him juice. It sounds ridiculous, but he purposely didn’t pull out and claimed he thought his sperm wouldn’t work even though he has ZERO reason to believe that.

This current potential pregnancy is because he decided to have sex with me a little while ago and he pulled out but maybe there was sperm in his precum? Idk but the pull out method worked for years (besides him purposely not pulling out like I said). So I’m hoping my hormones are just off because of the heavy drinking and that’s why I missed my period.

Anyway, now he’s mad at me so I might have to get an abortion alone and I have a hard time thinking about that. I have no friends, by the way. I stopped talking to them because for months and months I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my husband alone, but that’s a whole other story.

I don’t know what to do. My life is meaningless and I can’t be alone yet the person I’m with is making me feel bad and I see no way out of this situation because I can’t handle it. Does anyone have advice on how to emotionally be able to handle being alone or how to get out of my situation? Or any advice you know of for anything. Please let me know your thoughts.