Should children get to choose which parent they get to live with?

Question

Should children get to choose which parent they get to live with as long as there is no abuse going on. 
So a friend of mine is having a dilemma with his ex wife. They split up when their child was 2 years old and have had 50/50 custody ever since. The split up was a bad one and left the ex wife hating him and trying to do anything to make his life hell. The child is 11 and will be turning 12 soon at 12 years old in our state a child can choose if they want to live with one parent full time and not the other. The living situation at mom and dad house are completely different. At dads house the child has chores, has a certain amount of time he can play video games and is made sure to do his homework. At moms house the child plays video games all day has no responsibility and literally never does his homework the days he is at moms (the teacher has called and told dad about the homework). 
The mom is trying to convince the child to live with her full time. It’s obvious she is only doing this to hurt the dad and make him have to pay her child support, even though dad pays for EVERYTHING for the child (clothes, toys, medical bills ect ). Mom has never even bought the child clothes or helped pay for any medical bills. Since the child has no responsibility at moms house and gets to play video games all day it’s obvious that a 12 year old would like that living situation better. 
Do you think a child should be able to choose which parent to live with when both parents are able to do 50/50 custody?

Answer

In cases I’ve been aware/involved in, (5 cases, so I’m far from an expert) they ask the teachers (me) and people in their lives for their opinions. They take the child’s choice into consideration. 
Many times the children go where they want to be, but, sometimes the courts step in and rule in favor of a more secure home. 
I think the child’s voice matters, but, at the end of the day a healthy environment and safe place is more important. 
My niece wanted to move in with her dad. He isn’t in a stable situation. She is still in her mother’s Home.

Answer

Yes. When my parents divorced, I made the choice to live with my dad. If the courts had decided in favor of the mom, which is super common, my life would've ended up totally different. Not in a good way. I love my mother, but at the time she was only worried about herself. I don't think a parent should try to persuade the child just bcuz their house appears to be the "fun" house. The child will benefit from structure and may end up regretting the decision to be with his mom. But 12 year olds can be very smart and can read a situation better than we give them credit for.

Answer

I didn’t read more then your initial question lol. But, the answer is yes and no. In my case I would have chosen my mom and I’m so thankful my dad got custody. She is a terrible person, an alcoholic and slowly became a drug addict. Kids don’t always know these things. So I think their opinions should matter but evaluation of the parents should be done as well. My
Life would be very different (in a bad way) if I went with my mom.

Answer

Nope unless a certain age. But, their opinion should be heavily weighed in court. I’m
A child therapist and unfortunately even teens will choose to live with the less strict parent. If a kid notices one home has a lot of structure and rules (homework, chores, bedtimes/curfew) compared to the other home with very relaxed rules they are going to prefer that home. This often happens with a child wanting to switch from living with the custodial parent to non-custodial (weekday parent to weekend fun parent). So they should meet with a therapist or child court advocate when custody decisions are being made to ensure it is actually in the best interest of the child.

Answer

I think they should let the child voice their opinion but at the end of the day someone else should decide, when I was 11/12 my dad had me hating my mom because she divorced him, he convinced me she was the worst person in the world basically. If I’d been able to choose, I would have let my abusive dad have full custody of me and who knows what my life would be like now

Answer

I'm super torn in it. I think that the child should have to see a therapist once a week for at least a month before choosing who they want to be with(and the therapist can advice on if they think it's a good decision) This way the therapist can gauge whether the child is genuinely wanting to stay with one parent rather than manipulation by a parent. I grew up in 2 houses and my dad was always trying to bribe and manipulate me to stay with only him. I can see how difficult it would be if a child is feeling pressure to choose a parent over the other.

Answer

When my parents divorced I told my mom I would run away if I ever had to go live with my dad. so from my experience I say yes they should

Answer

I def think the child should have a say. I mean its their life, right. But if its in courts because the parents are fighting over who's the better parent, in a situation like this I'd say the child is better off with dad. Mom isn't doing the child any favors.

Answer

I think kids should have a say, although it would be ideal if references were brought into play based on the time the parents were separated and how the child did then with each parent. In this case, obviously dad isn’t going to be fun, but is the better choice for raising a reasonable, responsible human since he is actually parenting.

Answer

I think, this should be left up to them. This will sound harsh but you only know what he is telling you. From what you're saying, it definitely sounds terrible. Children don't necessarily get to decide BUT at age 12 they will be given a chance to go before the judge and say who they'd prefer. That doesn't mean it'll happen because it's a lengthy process and so many other aspects to be viewed.
If she is indeed this way, word of mouth to the court won't do anything. The courts will need to SEE it and there are various processes they do, to get that done. 
 Best wishes

Should children get to choose which parent they get to live with?

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