Idk where to start..

This is probably going to be a long rambled mess because I’m trying to gather my thoughts. This is more of a vent/rant...

I’m sitting here in bed next to my boyfriend watching one of the 90 day fiancé shows but it’s just noise. My brain is sore almost numb with all that has transpired tonight... well to me honest it’s drenched, my whole body is.

I’m sick, I’m hurt, I’m angry and I’m also disgusted with myself and my boyfriend.

I’ll keep this part short this time last year he went through a years worth of snapchats between my best friend and I were mention spending the 4th of July before I moved in with my boyfriend with my ex. He immediately took this as I cheated on him,

I never did anything with my ex an my bf an I had broken up. My boyfriend had literally blocked me days prior to this. He claims I cheated when I say otherwise he gets super angry. So for a year now I’ve been going along with him saying I cheated when I didn’t 🙄

Girl I know your probably like

Well it’s simple, I’m scared to be alone. Plus if I go back to my home state I’ll have to sleep on my grandmas sofa an that just makes me sad but at the same time I shouldn’t be dealing with this.

Anyways back to my story, so because I went along with this “cheating” issue we decided that he was allowed to search my phone however he would not read my texts/snaps. He just wanted to see that ex was blocked and no other guys were on my shit. Yeah I’m not allowed to have male friends either with the expectation of his friends.. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So today he came home from work early, I was in the bedroom on fb when he came in the room. Naturally I was shocked to see him because he always texts me first but lately he had been acting weird so I should’ve known. Honestly I feel like this was a set up to cause a fight but anyways.

He asked what I was doing because I hopped off the bed with my phone face down, I didn’t intend for my phone to be face down. He asked to see it, I irritatedly said no. He followed me around the house asking for it and why I wouldn’t let him. I explained. He immediately assumed I’m doing something wrong and tells me its over. We had about 10 screaming matches before we called it quits and just stayed away from each other.

Then finally I walk into the bedroom to get a pillow so I can go to sleep after I take a dab. He comes out fights with me about where I’m sleeping then goes back into the room.

He comes back out shortly after which irritated me cause I didn’t want to be around him so I get up to leave he grabs me and just holds me. I’m not hugging back just standing there deadpan numb to him.

He apologized and I began to sob. I knew in that moment the abuse cycle was resetting again and here I am. I’m not ready to leave but I wish I was. I’m disgusted. I hate myself.

The crazy part is we know this is toxic, we know this doesn’t work but we stay together an for what?

We obviously enjoy the toxicity. This relationship has been toxic from the start, even as friends, we were toxic. I haven’t seen my family in two years because he gets upset when I want to visit thinking I’m gonna go be with my ex...

I’m upset that I got as angry and mean as I did. Maybe this is just me finally standing up for myself. I know he’s emotionally abusive. I always feel like I have to be very careful and like I’m crazy for expressing how I feel. He gets mad over dumb shit. I can’t even smile at my phone.

I’m so exhausted.. I honestly can’t do this anymore.