FTM blues

I just feel like I need to get things out. I try to talk to my husband but he just doesn’t understand or makes me feel like I’m being dramatic.

I am a FTM, I have a step son who I have taken care of since he was 3 months old. My sweet baby boy was born June 1st. Overdue. My pregnancy was smooth sailing. I had no problems except baby didn’t want to come. I had to be induced. I went into it saying I wanted medication free delivery. That lasted 6 hours before I was screaming “give me the d*** drugs”, apparently being induced intensifies labor. Baby was born sunny side up, not breathing and had to be resuscitated. 9 lbs 3 oz. I had no indication he would be big or that he was sunny side despite having a ultrasound 2 days before he was born. Baby is fine. Immediately latched despite not getting immediate skin time. Everything was great first 3 days. Since then...we are struggling. My milk came in and baby had trouble latching. Doctor said start pumping, you have to much milk. Baby latched again. 2 clogged milk ducts later, I feel like I’m not producing enough. Baby is hungry an hour after he eats. My mommy instinct told me it wasn’t a cluster feed, I wasn’t producing. Baby was miserable for days. He was crying. I was crying. It was ugly. We went back to the doctor for a weight check, baby lost more weight instead of gaining. Doctor said to stop nursing and just bottle feed. Supplement formula. My mommy heart cried more. I felt and still do feel like a failure. I started writing down what I was feeding him and how much I was producing. I am only producing about half of what it takes to satisfy him. Doctor said I should be producing 3-4 ounces every 2-3 hours. I am producing barely 2 sometimes only 1 ounce. My husband makes me feel guilty ( not on purpose) . I just feel like the past 2 weeks have been the worst and I never want to do this again.