Reaching out to a distant old friend?

So, I’m gonna change the name and year in this:

I was in this weird flirty friendship thing with this guy we’ll call Joe in the end of 9th grade, we were basically friends of friends in this big group of ours. Then joe and I got really close right away in 10th grade, we texted everyday almost, sometimes even called, had all our classes together, and even ate lunch alone in some quiet part of school a lot. We talked about our weird friends and our hobbies and our odd and maybe slightly dysfunctional families.

After the fall school sports season I got really really depressed but my parents just said it was PMS even though I knew it wasn’t. One day I got a really bad grade (C) on a trig test bc I couldn’t study or focus and I was so mad I scratched my arm with my nail, lets just say I kept getting more and more depressed and the ‘scratching’ became a habit to deal with the disrespect from my peers and family and my self hatred. A week or so after I turned 16, Joe (who was a few weeks older) said he loved me (he had never even asked me out, though we both knew we liked each other A LOT). For a week I freaked out inside and ‘let’s just be friends’ jumped out of my mouth one day. Mostly bc I knew I was struggling and didn’t want to drag his beautiful soul down with me. I didn’t want to be close to anyone bc I didn’t wanna hurt anyone and part of me didn’t think I’d even be around in a year.

My parents started taking me to therapy for anxiety which did jack shit. Then I got real help with my depression when I told them what was going on. They helped me have the courage to tell Joe, who I think thought that I just meant that I was feeling sad lately until a private list of troubled kids was released and Joe saw that I was receiving help for my mental illness. He offered his unconditional support and I took it, but I hid my ‘scratching’ habit, which at that point now involved other instruments.

In the spring I started wearing ankle socks and short sleeves bc my parents told me that battle scars were nothing to be ashamed of. Joe got super worried but I told him I was fine and I didn’t wanna talk about and I made excuses like I tripped or walked through some thorns while bushwhacking. But bc I didn’t speak out my friends did, including Joe, but not in a good way. They made fun of my scars and I was SO FURIOUS. They also asked some inappropriate questions like how small my waist was and how skinny my arms were (oh yeah, I should mention I was also physically sick in the spring of 10th grade and I was pretty much never hungry).

Overall though, Joe was an amazing friend and I might not be here today without him. It was just a few isolated incidents, some involved peer pressure. On the last day of 10th grade I didn’t say goodbye, I left because he seemed happy and I didn’t wanna disturb that. But we drifted apart in summer bc we both went to camps without our phones, not that either of us would have cell reception anyway. But all through 11th grade we didn’t really talk all that much and were back to being friends of friends and maybe assigned project partners occasionally. We were a little obnoxious when we did talk. And I left in the beginning of 11th for a bit on mental health leave, which I think scared him bc we never talked about it.

I still kinda miss him, and never got to thank him for his help. Is it wrong that I miss him still? Is it ok for me to reach out and say thank you and sorry after all this time?