So I was with my ex partner for 15 years (since we were 16/17). Back in November he blindsided me and told me he met someone else from work, within 9 days they were sharing photos, he was telling her he loved her, he was trying to get her to move in to a flat that we'd signed for 1 month previous and desperately trying to get me to move my stuff out.

We'd been trying for a baby days before the bombshell was dropped, he initiated it and I had no idea anything was wrong.

I found out a week after we broke up that I was successful in getting pregnant, my ex was devastated and asked me to abort our baby because he wanted to cut all ties with me and give it a go with a girl he knew nothing about and was 11 years younger than him - I was broken.

I can't stress enough that this was completely out of the blue & I'd done nothing but give to him and our relationship, only to receive nothing back.

He continued "dating" this girl for a couple of months, turns out she was still with her ex and had actually gotten pregnant by him - my ex said he'd support her and the baby (whilst telling me to abort mine).

Sadly in January, due to the stress of the situation, being unable to eat/drink and other things I must assume were out of my control - I lost the baby at 10w2 days. I was absolutely devastated and quite frankly my ex didn't give a damn.

Things were pretty terrible for a few weeks, but then my ex did a U- turn - his "relationship" with new girl fell apart and he told me he'd made the biggest mistake, he'd loved me etc etc. I'm ashamed to say I fell for it!!

We worked on things & decided to get back together, I agreed to move back in and we were gonna start our lives again though I made it clear he wasn't to contact that girl again (she'd been with her ex the whole time, you'd think the guy would want well rid).

Well my ex couldn't stop messaging the girl & I kept finding out, we had a lot of arguments & I'd finally reached limit & I packed my things up ready to leave.....

He stopped me from unpacking, he grabbed my arms, waste and body, pulled me close to him and BEGGED me to stay whilst crying saying how much I meant to him. I told him he needed to cut the girl out once and for all & he messaged her straight away & blocked her etc to show his commitment to me.

I was a very anxious and paranoid mess, but after seeing him cry and beg me to stay I thought he meant what he said. I went and bought furniture for our flat, we were having sex unprotected because we were prepared to try for a baby again & I thought we were trying to build a future - still couldn't shake my gut feeling something was wrong!

10 days after him begging me to stay, I asked to see his phone to check the girl was still blocked and he wasnt screwing me over. He handed the phone to me, he let me look at the phone to check she was blocked. Something compelled me to check a little more thoroughly & that's where I found the messages to another work colleague - that b*****d had been messaging another girl & the very same night I found out he told her "what he thought of her". I was absolutely devastated - we fought for 3 hours, we tried talking it out & I was actually willing to give him another chance. Turns out he needed to take some time to think (went out driving to "clear his head", which I soon learnt was code for check if the girl might be intersted) he then came back & said he didnt want to be with me anymore and that he didn't want a future with me.

He moved his stuff out & went to live with his sister, he left me in a flat I couldnt afford surrounded by new furniture that I couldnt now keep & I was completely broken.

So much has happened over the last 8 months, but in the past 9 weeks since we broke up hes shacking up with a girl (apparently not the same one he was messaging,though I'm not convinced) and honestly I'm not coping. He treated me like scum and like those 15 years meant nothing, I poured everything in to our relationship and he made me feel worthless and just used me to build his confidence after the knock back from the 1st girl. I dont know how to cope with what hes done to me.

He works in a prison as an officer & I've written an email explaining to every person he works with, what a scumbag he is - hes told his work colleagues we split up cause he f****d me over but they have no idea how terribly hes treated me. Hes building relationships in there & hes had no repercussions and is getting on in life after everything he's done to me whilst I can't breath.

His work is his life, but that's also where he's betrayed me and humiliated me.

Shall I send the email and make him hurt and expose him for what hes done to me or just tell him to never contact me again, accepting that he's done a really s**t thing & has gotten away with it.

The email explains everything he's done to me & he claims it would "ruin" him, because everything ive written is true and no one would want to be around him knowing what hes capable of doing. So much happened to me as a result of his treatment. He doesn't care about what he's done to me because he did twice, he knows its horrific but he only cares about people finding out what hes done as opposed to him actually doing it.

I cant hurt him any way & no one knows who he is or what hes capable of, exposing him would be the only way he'd hurt but am I ridiculous for doing it?

Please help, because the pain is unbearable and I just want him to feel an ounce of what I do. I'm completely broken.

Thanks for reading

❗UPDATE❗ Thank you all for your comments, they've really helped me this weekend. I haven't sent the email, I desperately want to - not to get him in trouble with his work as I know that won't happen, just to humiliate him and get a message out to the girls & particularly the new girl he's shacked up with that he's a real POS. I know it's petty, but he really has walked away scot free - hes lost nothing and I feel like i"ve lost everything. He seems to have really landed on his feet - the new girl owns her own house which is something we always wanted to do, he's got a ready made life & he's slipped right into it.

I'm struggling with the concept that, people do shitty things & get away with them. I feel like he's kicked the shit out of me and I've had to lie there and take it, like he's left me for dead on the side of the road & I've got to work out why he's done it without ever knowing the answer! This is honestly the hardest and most painful thing I've ever gone through (I know there are worse things in this world, but for me this is the worst in my world), I loved that guy with everything I had & he shit on me twice and has moved on like I'm nothing. I'm just utterly broken with no way of knowing how to put myself back together.

I live in the uk, so therapy isn't readily available with our healthcare - there are long waiting lists as I have sought it due to the struggle. I can't afford private sessions right now, so I'm relying heavily on friends & I've just started medication - he's really fucked me up & right now I don't see how I'm going to come out of this.

I know therapy is needed, I keep thinking it will instantly take the pain away but deep down I know nothing will. How the hell do you get through something like this?!

I'm scared to go out in case I see him or possibly "them" (we live locally), i don't think I'll be able to cope if I see them or even when he tells people. We have a very close group of friends (have been friends for aslong as we've been together), I don't have a lot of friends outside of "our" group as I poured everything into our relationship. I feel so broken I have no idea what to do.

Your help & comments have kept me going, please keep them coming xx