I scheduled an elective ultrasound yesterday evening to surprise the father of my child on Father's day with an image and sex of the baby to go in a Father's Day card. Once I laid on the table and begin to have the exam, we could see baby clear as day but he wasn't moving. She was pushing my stomach around with the probe and having me drink some cold water. He still wouldn't budge. She then proceeded to look for his heart beat, I could tell she was trying multiple times in different locations without her even saying a word. Finally, she told me her credentials and how if she see something wrong she is supposed to let me know. This whole time I'm trying to fight back tears. She told me she couldn't find the baby heartbeat and that I should probably go to the ER. I was beyond devastated! Never did I imagine something like this happening. I left went home, couldn't even get out the car trying to decide what to do. My family is 2+ hours away and my SO is an police officer who was still on duty at the time. I ended up calling him and thankfully he was near his phone so he ended up rushing home to take me to the hospital. We waited 4 hours at the hospital for them to do blood work and give me an ultrasound. My SO wasn't allowed in ultrasound room, which he has never been able to go to an ultrasound visit. Even in there I could barely see the screen but I did see the tech try to detect heart beat and there were no soundwaves on the screen just a flat line. I want to break down but I was still trying to have faith and hold onto hope that it wasn't the case. She then took a lot of pictures of the baby and informed me that the radiologist would give the doctor my results and go over them with me. It took forever for my SO and I to get the news that our baby boy was no longer breathing inside of me and had stop growing at 14 weeks. He just held me as I broke down in his arms and I could see tears forming in his. He found out at the hospital that we were having a boy, a surpise I never wanted him to find out that way. As I'm writing this our baby boy is still inside of me not breathing. I have to wait until tomorrow to see my doctor and come up with a plan and discuss my options on how I want to deliver him. I feel so lost. I just want to wake up and it all be a nightmare. I had no pain, no bleeding, nothing. Had I not scheduled the elective ultrasound I wouldn't have even known. My last & first ultrasound was at 14weeks 2days and he stopped growing at 14weeks 5days. I just keep thinking how active he was when I saw him. I dont understand why this happened. I just need some comfort and prayers right now. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I have 3 kids and he was going to be our last. My oldest is a boy and I have 2 girls after him. He was going to make our family complete. My son will be 8 this year and is so excited about having a brother I don't even know how to break it to him. I just need some encouragement right now and any advice would be appreciated. Thanks...

Update... 6/22

All the comments, and prayers, and love is really helping me through my grief and making a decision on how I'm going to deliver. I decide to be induced. I go in tomorrow evening to start the induction. I am honestly afraid and don't know what to expect I'm trying to prepare myself mentally especially with being on the labor and delivery floor. Tomorrow will make me 17wks my EDD: 11/30. May you all continue to keep me in your prayers. I told my 7 yr old son who was expecting his baby brother close to his birthday (12/13) today that his brother is in heaven. I held him for 40 minutes while he cried in my arms. I didn't expect him to be very emotional but consoling him is where I found my strength. Thanks again ladies and I will post after the induction. Bless you all for the amazing love and support.

Update 7/2

I want to say thanks again for all the prayers, words of encouragement, love, and support. I haven't been able to bring myself to share the outcome. I have been handling my loss very hard. I'm currently dealing with depression and trying to find ways to heal and move forward. My son, my angel in heaven, D.J Williams was born on 6/24/20 @4:46am weighing 1.8 oz, 4.5 in @17weeks. He was so tiny and I could see his features that he share distinctively with his siblings. I kept wondering was it something I did, how could I not know, was he suffering. I held him on my chest for hours smelling his scent, crying and talking to him telling him how sorry I am and how much he will be missed. The worst part was leaving him. As I was getting rolled out of my hospital room I just held onto his bassinet and screamed out loud and cried. It was the worst feeling ever. I just wanted to take him with me and hold him forever. I arranged to have a funeral home pick him up once we left the hospital to cremate him so I could keep his ashes. Most days I have to force myself out of the bed. I try to feel my time with enjoying my other kids but I often am reminded of the pain and agony. I'm trying to heal and find ways to better myself to value his presence and know that his life was not in vain. Thanks again for your support. I revist this page for comfort and healing.