In a way I'm a bit surprised that I am pregnant but on the other hand I've used primarily only the pull out method for the past decade so not that surprising either. I've already scheduled an appointment at planned parenthood for Tuesday to start the medication abortion. The thing is I haven't told anyone I'm pregnant/getting an abortion. Though it is pretty much the only thought running through my mind so I just want to talk about it or put it out there at least. Also looong post not super important for anyone to read all of it as it is more just a way to get it off my chest and not looking for anything specific from anyone else so.

It was on my birthday (June 19th I turned 28) that I was already 5 or 6 days late for my predicted period but it isn't super unusual for my period to be late by up to like 4 days. I still had a pregnancy test from a 2 pack from several months back when my period was late then too. Sure enough it was a quick bold positive, I wasn't shocked or emotional or anything it just is what it is.

Scheduled my abortion the same day for the next available time slot which is Tuesday (23rd). Going off of my last period the planned parenthood website suggests I'm around 5 weeks 6 days pregnant as of today (21st). Though I would assume I am not that far based on when I think conception was (when I should have got plan B because he wasn't sure if he pulled out fully on time). I think it was the 11th if I remember right as I was only like 2 days away from my predicted period (2.9% chance of pregnancy). Though it is possible it could have been a prior engagement so we will see what they say at Planned Parenthood.

The main reason being I've never wanted kids. I know that is a "selfish" reason but it is just the truth. There are other minor reasons. I have a genetic syndrome that has a 50/50 chance of being passed down to my kids. Which at birth can have some pretty severe health problems and deformities along with many other health problems including cysts and cancers for the rest of their life. I'm also an unhealthy person in general with many nutrients lacking as I'm a really picky eater. My blood pressure always runs low, my iron is really low, my vitamin d is low, among others. Makes me wonder if I would possibly miscarry anyhow or have other complications during or after birth. I only have a part time job that pays pretty minimal (the abortion alone is going to cost me over a months pay). My boyfriend is the one who pays most of our bills I think if we did have a kid we would manage like most other people but financially the situation isn't ideal.

The thing is I don't think I will regret or feel bad about having an abortion (especially this early in pregnancy) but since it is considered such a big thing for most people it makes me feel odd about it I guess. I understand why it is considered a big deal and why it would be a really hard and emotional decision for many people but I'm saying for me personally. Which makes me a bit nervous posting this at all. I'm sure there are plenty of women like me as well who feel the same way about getting an abortion or don't even find it necessary to talk about.

I've always been actively pro choice. All the important people in my family and my boyfriend are pro-choice. Overall I think they would support me in my decision. I might tell them or at least my boyfriend (we have been together over 6 and half years) after I have my abortion. In the past years ago (probably when I was 22) when my period was late my boyfriend and I had a more serious talk about it and at the time I said if I were pregnant I would want an abortion and he said he would be fine with that or whatever I chose. When we bought our house years ago we were still pretty set on never having kids though but had talks about if we ever did change our mind when we were older (like 30s) etc.

Though he has been struggling with his own negative feelings lately and bad dreams and not being able to sleep and hating his job. Then it is fathers day today and his father was killed 2 years ago not to mention the idea of him being a father then with me being pregnant. I just don't really want to add this on to his plate unless I have too because even though he is pro-choice and would support me I don't know if he would handle it as well emotionally etc. Same with my parent's or sister's I know they would support me but think they could potentially become slightly hurt emotionally by it so better they just don't know for now.

That is really the main reason I feel bad about not wanting kids as I know my parents would want grandkids and would be great at it though I think both of my sisters will eventually have kids just not yet. I'm also an introverted loner so that pretty much leaves no one else to talk to about it with though I still probably wouldn't until after the fact.

The past couple of days we also spent some time with our niece. She is 3 years old and we obviously love her even though she is a brat and can be a handful. She was also the result of an unplanned teen pregnancy. Though I have clearly thought about the idea of what if I did have a baby and even potentially kept this specific pregnancy.

I kind of would have preferred getting a inclinic abortion over the medication abortion I think. Though it was just quicker to get in for the medication and I would rather have an abortion as early into the pregnancy as possible. I'm actually going to another state for my abortion as it is a bit simplier. I live in Ohio so for either kind of abortion you have to visit the clinic twice (so once before the actual abortion and then for the abortion). All the abortion clinics are nearly a 2 hour drive one way from me. So instead I'm going to one in Michigan which is still almost a 2 hour drive one way but I get the medication on the first visit.

Then shortly after my abortion I plan to finally get on a long term birth control like the IUD or implant. I used to be on the pills for probably a couple (2) solid years though wasn't the super best at consistancy but always still used the pull out method too. Then a couple months a bit more randomly till my prescription ended when I was younger. Though for like the other like 8-9+ years I've been active we just use the pull out method (which am well aware isn't smart). You will see from my advise on <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> I don't practice what I preach. In the last year we occasionally use condoms when he doesn't want to pull out (he even used a condom when we had sex today hah). I had planned to get an IUD or Implant sooner but just never got around to it.

Since I started having sex (when I was 18) only ever had a few times (like 3 or 4) where I decided to use Plan B when they didn't think they pulled out in time. Then also had a few times when my period was like a week or more late (not unusual for it to be a few days or more late) to the point I got a pregnancy test just to check (again probably like 4 times or so). Though they were always negative and my period would show up normaly a day or so later.

It is just kind of surreal to think I'm pregnant. The last few nights I seem to be waking up more frequently and go to the bathroom and such not sure if that is probably more just a mental thing than a physical one. Though I have also been getting implantation cramps mostly the last 2 days or so. When my period was initially late thought I was pmsing and then some cramping but these things can obviously be related to pregnancy as well as periods.

I think that is about all I have to say on the topic at least for now not like I didn't already type enough. I'm sure I might have more to say after the clinic and abortion.