Can’t sleep...

I am having difficulty sleeping so maybe I just need to vent. What better place to vent than to strangers who will never see me? 😅. My SO travels M-F for work. He called me at 11pm on FaceTime to check in and see how my day was. He ended up going off on a rant about history before deciding he was ready to go sleep. He said good night, he’d call me in the morning and then let me go. Following the hang up was a text that completely confused me basically telling me I’ve been acting real different lately. I was so confused and thrown off by that text. I text him back and then ended up calling to ask what he was talking about because I was confused. He said he wasn’t going to debate with me and that he was going to sleep. I said I was confused as to how I was acting different and he corrected me by saying “no I told you you’re acting really FUCKING different”. So me still confused as to what was going on just said okay and told him to have a good night and we ended the call. Now I can’t sleep. I’m sure he is sleeping peacefully while I’m up most likely because of his words.

I thought pregnancy was supposed to be a time of happiness but seems to be throwing a lot of pain my way. He began acting somewhat distant May and into June. Since I found out I was pregnant it seems to be continuing and getting worse. He wouldn’t even let me cuddle up to him the other night before he was to go out of town. Pushed me away from him and said “girl if you don’t get off of me” with a menacing laugh. So I just moved to the other side of the bed and shortly after he was snoring and enjoying his sleep. Must be nice. He used to cuddle up to me. Then I soon realized the only time he’d cuddle up to me was when he’d be initiating sex. So there goes that. He doesn’t want me touching him anymore.

The weekend I found out I was pregnant. The exact day. He ended up going for a ride with his brother because he popped up at our place. His daughter was left home with me. She didn’t finish her breakfast because she was full. She began asking me for my slim Jim and I simply suggested she finished her strawberries and she stormed off to her room and ended up contacting her dad (she has a cell phone). He text me telling me to give her slim Jim and proceeded with following texts saying if I’m going to start acting funny towards his daughter he’s going to “bounce”. All because she wanted a slim Jim THAT WAS MINE and I suggested she finish her strawberries ? Well I gave her the slim Jim to avoid issues. Later that day his daughter told me “he always does what I want”. What a lovely thing for a seven year old to know and take advantage of lol.

Last weekend I brought up something he said to his daughter “all I care about in life is your happiness (his daughter) and my guns”. Of course I always want his daughter to be a number one priority in his life and he knows that. I always consider her thoughts.. even when she isn’t with us. I was just thrown off by him telling her that’s all he cares about. He said “yeah it’s true. If I didn’t want you hearing it I would’ve whispered it. I don’t care about you but we’re working on it. How could I care about you after what happened to my family? You think I want to not be with my daughter full time?” Okay. I’m sorry that your relationship with her mom was over BEFORE she even got pregnant with her but how is that my fault? And how is this just now coming out?

I don’t really feel like talking about anything else but it hurts to know I’m not cared about when I uprooted my whole life and moved away from my family and everybody I know for this man that I love and I thought loved me. A man who recently told me if his daughter decides she doesn’t like me he will leave me because I should’ve known what I was getting myself into when I got with a man with a kid. This is actually all new to me. He is the first man I’ve ever been with who already had a child from a past relationship but with the connection I thought we had and the feelings I thought were there I gave it a chance anyways and continued to get to know him. Everything was perfect treatment until recently. He said to me “you have to tell the chick what she wants to hear until you have her”. I thought he was joking because he laughed but now idk.

But don’t mind me. I’m just exhausted, emotional and ranting. I’m probably just overthinking things. I’m done for now.

Update/addition: the pregnancy was planned. He told me he wanted to start a family with me. He seemed to be excited about it but now I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to him about the pregnancy and he doesn’t really want to hear it. He also told me that pregnancy symptoms and emotions are a myth and he knows that because he has been through a pregnancy before (with his ex) and been around plenty of pregnant women who act normal.

He acts like he doesn’t care to be bothered but then when he’s on his way out of town tells me to take care of the kid.

He missed our first ultrasound. He said he couldn’t be late to work. I scheduled it for 7:30am so he could go and only end up a little late. I was late to work with no problem but I guess I can’t compare the two of us. But a couple weeks prior he was three hours late to work to go pick his truck up from the dealer when that could’ve been done on the weekend. My sister told me to just stop talking to him about the pregnancy and if he decides he wants to be involved then he will be. It’s just difficult because this isn’t at all how I imagined it being once I was pregnant 🤷‍♀️😂.

He has been so stressed with being unhappy with his job and having to travel.. being away from his daughter and me that I feel like he’s starting to take it out on me in a sense...