Hi, so first let me start by saying I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, ocd and have been on medicine for most of my life. Well two years ago I met my boyfriend and we’ve been living together for a while now. Recently, I also developed derealization (an anxiety disorder where I’m in a constant dream like state (I’m terrified)) but anyways i have been having trouble sexually, when I say sexually I mean scared to try new positions like being not top or reverse cowgirl. But I’ve had this trouble BEFORE the dream like state. I am a female and I believe it’s sexual performance anxiety but idk and am absolutely terrified like not just scared like terrified (it’s much more than nervousness). We argue because I can’t open up sexually and try new things. I know it sounds dumb but it’s all I think about, I’ve watched videos (porn or tutorials) thinking okay maybe I just don’t know what I’m doing and I’m scared cause of that. But two years later I still can’t be on top and be comfortable or try any new things. We only have done a few positions. But i can’t shake this fear and we’ve had arguments about it. He says I don’t please him. We have also had many issues in the past with numerous things like when we first got together he couldn’t get past my past with other guys. Then, we’ve dealt with other obstacles like cheating that we’ve gotten past. Please don’t shame him for that. We all make mistakes. I just need advice on what to do. I broke down tonight bc of him making a joke saying”your mom this” likes joking thing. I knew he was joking but I lost it bc I constantly hear sexual songs on the radio and what he plays. I just feel so much pressure and idk what to do. It’s debiliating and really causing me major stress so much so I’ve developed the derealization disorder (that’s just part if what caused it). I’m so tired of feeling abnormal (I can’t get to a counselor bc I’m physically sick bc of my mental state) . I quit my job because like I said I am in a dream like state and can’t focus and the world looks weird around. I love him so much I’m crying writing this, but i feel like I’ll have to leave him because of my mental issues. I’m so scared and don’t know what to do. He’s my first love and I want to be with him forever but I cant seem to get past this stuff.