I just CANNOT find the strength to leave
I think mostly it’s because I feel our failed relationship is more my fault than his.
I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, that ex had punched me in my stomach and been extremely horrible to me. And then only a couple months later I met my current boyfriend and we got into a relationship, and quickly moved in together. He was exactly what I wanted in a partner, and I felt like finally I was going to have a healthy relationship. He had so many absolutely great qualities and I felt so lucky. I felt like we were the perfect match. Except I had lingering anger issues from my past relationship that I didn’t realize I had until we had a few arguments where he had really hurt my feelings & I would raise my voice, call him names, and act out. Looking back I was so childish and toxic I’m so embarrassed but I was an emotionally wrecked woman. Pretty quickly I healed myself inside very well and I stopped behaving like that. I developed much healthier behavior that I can thank him a lot for. I feel very blessed he forgave me and continued with our relationship. But even some years later now I feel he never really let it go, because he changed. He started not loving me like he use to. The love was still there but it wasn’t quite the same. I tried so so hard to redeem myself. I made it a point everyday to show him how much I loved him. I love this man so much. I wanted nothing more than a happy healthy relationship and I felt like we were doing great. But then he started name calling me during arguments, which he didn’t use to do, and that would trigger me a bit. We’d have ups and downs like any other relationship. But then he started to not even act like he cared about my feelings. He would tell me what I’m talking about isn’t important. He would ignore me. He wouldn’t have sex with me. He wouldn’t see my family or friends. He would treat me disrespectfully and like just a roommate most of the time. I would find myself begging and pleading with him just for him to show me he loved me and that he cared. But he’d have a blank face and no words. I could tell he just didn’t feel anything towards me other than negativity. Then other times things were totally fine and we’d be planning a vacation together and going on walks together at our local park and just being a great couple and I did feel the love. It was confusing and emotionally exhausting. But I didn’t want to give up. I had so much hope everything could be fixed. And lately things have been pretty great.
But tonight we had an argument, and it was started by me because I wanted to address how he kept refusing to see my family (he hasn’t seen them in a couple years) and he didn’t want to talk about it, I found myself basically begging him to just show me he cared again. I hated I had to do that. I asked him if I am just a roommate to him, or am I a girlfriend to him. And he had absolutely no emotion and wouldn’t answer me, he just kept saying don’t like it? Leave. I felt he was purposely emotionally abusing me and he’s acted like this time and time again and I flipped out and slapped him. I instantly regretted it. He acted like he was going to hit me back but then he packed all of my things. I cried and told him I don’t want this, that I was so sorry and that he is my world. He kept repeating to himself over and over that I am trash as he threw all of my things into luggage and trash bags. He told me he’d pull me out of here by my hair if I refused to go.
After he packed my things he left them on the floor and he took his keys and he left. He probably went to a friends house, I’m guessing. I sent him some texts but he won’t respond. I don’t want to leave.
I know this is toxic as FUCK. I know. But I just feel it is all my fault. I am truly a sweet and kind hearted person. I really love him so much and don’t want harm to him. I imagined my whole life with this man. I feel he was really the one for me and I’m the one who fucked it up. It’s all my fault he’s turned into this person towards me. I just hate myself right now. I just want to go back in time and fix everything. I don’t want this to be my reality 😞