Why do they call it a chemical pregnancy and not just a miscarriage, or an early miscarriage? I only had a week to be pregnant, but I’ve been dreaming of my baby for more than 5 years. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test, I just knew. I’d never felt like that before and I dared not dream, but I knew.

My birthday is on Saturday, and I had planned to tell my mom, sister and MIL while I blew out my candles. I was going to turn to my husband and say, “I don’t know what to wish for now. Have any ideas? I always wish to get pregnant and now we are.” And I imagined my family clapping and crying and trying not to hug each other because my husbands immunocompromised and we’ve been quarantining alone.

And I imagined finally having my wish come true. Every birthday, every New Years, every shooting star, every good luck sign, I wish to get pregnant, and I guess in a way my wish came true. I guess I need to amend that wish, I need to wish for a healthy baby.

I told my mom and sister today so I’d have someone else to talk to. And they keep telling me, it’s exciting we got this far. But I don’t feel excited, I feel so so sad. I woke up crying tonight and now I’m cleaning the kitchen and typing this to get all of it out.

I don’t want to have my birthday. I can’t bear to blow out those candles this year. I can’t face this alternate reality, so different than what I was hoping for. When will I catch a break? When we were first planning to try and get pregnant, my husband increased our health insurance thankfully, because a month later he was diagnosed with MS. I had left my job because the hours barely allowed us to see each other. Luckily this allowed me to care for him, it took him months to walk again, and years to recover from that first attack. In that time, we were in our mid twenties, facing a lifetime of chronic health issues, our mental health declined, our weight climbed, and our fertility worsened.

This year we recommitted to our health, he’s down 75 pounds, I’m down 60. We’re doing everything we can. I just want a break. I don’t want to have my feet pulled out from under me. I don’t want to face this every month. I’m so tired. Other than our fertility and my husbands health, we have a great life. We’re very fortunate. Some of my friends have made comments that I’m so lucky.... am I? I don’t feel lucky. I don’t want this. I just want a baby.