Where is my head at?

Question

My husband and I just had a baby almost 4 months ago. And I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’m less confident, I’m losing my hair, the baby weight is so hard to drop and my husband doesn’t want me touching him. It’s so much happening at once I’m not sure how to deal. I want to feel how did before my son. I want to be spontaneous and love on my husband. Idk where to begin on getting back on track and I just want to know if any other moms have felt like this and what did they do to feel better?

Answer

Almost every mom feels like this. Every single thing about your life changes in a huge way. It can be extremely difficult for even the best of relationships. Lack of sleep, learning how to properly care for a newborn and so many other things.  If you can try to get on some type of routine/schedule because it will make things a little easier. Of course it does take time and it won't always go exactly how you want it to so don't worry about if something happens and you can't stick to it. Also it definitely helps if the father is involved with the child and let them spend one on one time together while you take a shower or run an errand ect. I also think it is important to still have one on one time just you and hubby. If you have family or friends that you trust then it makes it easier. Usually the grandparents are eager to spend time with the baby so let them, even if it's only for a few hours. You need that time to yourself and for your spouse.

Answer

What you’ve described is so very normal, sadly. I experienced depression even before my son was born - I was absolutely terrified to become a mother & I didn’t not feel at all ready for that responsibility & selfishly, I wasn’t ready to give up my life style. I gained 80lbs throughout my pregnancy, & that was really hard to accept, after having battled an eating disorder, “recovered” & losing 40 lbs the healthy way. I was SO proud of my progress. I EARNED it. I worked for it. Just to gain it all back & then some. And then when my son was born - all the responsibly fell on me, meanwhile my fiancé went on about his day like our son didn’t exist. So I burnt out. And miserable. I really struggled to enjoy motherhood until I finally blew up on my fiancé and demanded help. And just as I thought we had resolved that problem, a new arose. I discovered that my fiancé had been watching porn and jerking off, tying up the bathroom for 20-40 minutes a day, and following slutty Instagram girls, and looking at nudes in private Facebook group & ha...if I was insecure before. Omg - that CRUSHED me. I felt so disgusting & so angry & so sad & worst of all - so so so alone. But! As time went on, I adjusted. It was a struggle, undeniably. But once the weight started to come off (very slowly btw, my son is 19 months old, and I’ve still got 20 lbs left to go before I’m pre-pregnancy weight or 40 lbs if I wanna get back down to the size I was when my fiancé and I met) & the more I established a routine with my son, and bonded with him, and his personality started to shine through, the more sleep I was able to get, the more independent my son became, the easier it got to accept my new life as a mom. I love my son. I always have. But I didn’t always love motherhood. And some days I still don’t enjoy motherhood. It’s hard work and it’s fucking exhausting & some days I just wanna be selfish & binge watch Netflix and sit on my phone all day but I can’t because I’ve got meals to prepare and diapers to change and toys to pick up for the 18 millionth time, and chores that need to be tended do, and I still have to clock in a full 8 hour shift at work, & it’s daunting & I feel like a robot just going through the motions. But those days are way may infrequent than they were in the beginning. Now that my son is older, motherhood is a lot of fun. I especially love taking my son on walks & playing outside & building logo castles together, and watching him learn and grow into the awesome little guy he is & even on my worst day (or his lol) - he makes me so damn happy. And I promise you, you will get there too. It’s a work in progress & you gotta give yourself some credit. You created a human being. You gave life to someone. You are selfless. You’ve sacrificed SO much already; sleep, happiness, your body ffs! And all in such a short time span. And it’s going to take time to adjust and accept that. So don’t beat yourself up because you’re not there yet. It takes time for some moms. Not all moms gain 20 lbs and lose it the second they deliver & then wake up at 4 AM chipper & ready to have their baby attached to their tit all day with a smile on their face. I really hate that term “bounce back”. I think that’s such a toxic thing to say to a mother. “Oh you’ll bounce back in no time!” Fuck that. No - maybe you won’t. And that’s okay. Maybe it’ll take you 2 years to lose the weight. That’s also okay. I think it’s so detrimental that once your baby is born, its like everyone, including yourself, expects you to just go back to “normal”. And its no wonder moms feel so much shame when it doesn’t pan out that way for them. Speaking from experience. I was the SAME way. I though as soon as my son is born - with the exception of having a tiny human to care for, everything will go back to the way it was before pregnancy & I’ll finally feel happy again. And that couldn’t have been further from the truth. And I wish instead of feeling pressure to “go back to normal”, I had prepared myself in the event that maybe things won’t go back to normal, & being okay with that. I was trying to chase something that was behind me. Being a mom has made me a better version of myself 1000%. 
Hang in there girl. I know the first few months are tough to get through. But be patient with yourself ♥️ Now as for your husband - that’s warrants a conversation for sure. I wish you the best & if you ever need someone to talk too, free feel to message me!!

Answer

I am not a mom but it is known that this whole changes in your body straight affects your mind. The hormones play a role how do you feel and so is understandable that recent mothers feel this way. About your husband's behavior I would suggest you ask him what is going on? 
And if he is also having trouble with emotions you two could talk to a psychologist. 
You could ask your doctor to check your hormone level ans attention on vitamin D, which low levels is associated with depression.

Where is my head at?

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