TW miscarriage. I couldn't.

It's been 19 days since my doctor in the fertility clinic did that ultrasound that threw me to the ground. Due to covid it was just me and him in the room and for the talk after. Never in my life have I felt so alone and desperate.

It was the day he told me my first baby, my IVF baby that I conceived at my birthday in June after 3 years of TTC had no heartbeat and measured to small.

It's been 15 days since my D&C. Due to covid all alone again and waiting for hours for it to happen because of delay in the operation schedule for that day.

It's been 7 days since I stopped bleeding and felt physical pain.

We went on a mini vacation to the beach to get away from it all and it felt good and if I was starting to heal on an emotional level and we as a couple got our real laughter back after what seems to be an endlessy long time.

Today is the first day home. I'm crying. So hart I'm shaking and can't control it. I'm not healing. I'm just pretending very good that I'm allright. I need to for my husband. For my work with the children in the daycare that I run. For my worried friends and family.

And for me. Because if I don't pretend I need to face reality and at this point I'm not sure that I could go on if I have to face it.

Because on days like today,when the reality leaks through the pretending, I feel everything so clearly and painfully grabbing my heart,pushing the air out of my lungs and every sane thought out of my mind.

How could I stand that all of the time?

I couldn't.