I feel like I’m never going to find friends

I’ve struggled with this all of my life and I’m 22 now. The friends I had used me for material things and rides and food and then called me a bad person when I stopped giving into them. Always there when they need me emotionally, even visits to psych hospitals at the detriment of my own mental health. And when I needed them I always found myself alone.

The friends I do have haven’t been especially fulfilling. I asked if they want to do something, one said yes but when the time came to hang out she told me she was at a coworkers house and her car was at work. When I told her that I’d go home then she didn’t even reply. Why make plans with someone and then bail on them?

The third friend I have is so draining. We started off so close but I think life is driving us away. Small things irritate me. Her Watching loud videos on her phone during movies. Arguing about the most trivial things. She also comes with so much baggage from my past, she’s friends with people who abandoned me during the scariest time of my life.

I thought friendship was supposed to be mutual love and empathy for each other. I try really hard to be a good person and friend. But I feel so worn down giving and giving. I’ve been taken advantage of so many times. But I still just take scraps of friendship. If a friend who wrongs me or upsets me shows me the slightest bit of attention I’m just excited they’re thinking about me

I wanted to have lifelong friends but maybe that isn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I’m better off alone.