It’s all so blurry, I don’t know what to do!

Long read**

I just feel like I’m under no control of my life right now.

I moved to Europe for my now husband in a millisecond I got pregnant 🤦🏻‍♀️ we were only 8 months together, but my baby is the best thing in the world!

We’ve been together 3 years now.

I had a very physically and mentally challenging prengancy and delivery.

I didn’t have anyone around, except for my husband who was building an alcohol dependency since the pregnancy, in the beginning I wanted all of it more than he did, but eventually he got there.

When I delivered my little sunshine, we heard the news his dad had cancer, and even with my vajayjay super cut, and mastitis, plus a new born I moved to the house of his dad for 2 weeks to help!

I don’t think anyone realized how emotionally difficult that was, in his family they don’t even think about how that period marked me, and how I struggle with it.

But then we flew over to see my family and then we came back to reality. His alcohol consumption wasn’t lowering, despite many attempts to lower it and talking about it.

I find myself alone in a country raising a child feeling overwhelmed amd alone, alcohol issues of my husband or more hangover issues of my husband and a relative with terminal cancer.

His dad passes away in October my baby was born in February, and we had quite a heavy period AGAIN, drinking intake not lowering, baby chores endless, I’m working part time, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

The passing of his dad is a tragedy beyond words, he was also my family and one of my only support person in Europe (his mom died of cancer too)

I get how sad it is for him losing another parent, but he’s also a parent and it has taken him a very long time to get a grip of his role in baby’s life. But I’ve pushed him endlessly to make more. Also cause it’s so exhausting for me.

My husband only motivation is work, he only wants to work, talks about it, breaths work. We haven’t taken time off at all since the passing, and even before that, over a year, we’ve been stuck in this routine that I am feeling suffocated.

Trying to get some light and moving forward with life, we start looking for a house, we find the perfect place, has it all, and we can afford it, but last minute he got cold feet and took the bid back, that really shook me and motivated me to make a change in my carreer life, because I wasn’t too happy with it, but I’m doing all of these steps to feel good, to feel happy, but I don’t feel he’s following me, I see him stuck, and he shows no interest on moving on and forward.

He’s committed to not drink for this whole month, but that’s not the chore of it all.

He says i get on his nerves with my dissatisfaction and that he’s trying everything. The fights are getting so nasty, and I’m suffering a lot. I don’t believe this has to be such a struggle, that he has to “try”, we’re completely out of sync, I feel we’re two worlds apart, and lately I just feel so happy when I’m alone with my baby.

But I’m also sooooo unsure about what to do, because after all it’s not two people anymore. It’s also our girl, and I want to move on, i want to feel whole amd happy, and when I’m with him I feel stuck and under appreciated. Even though he’s a lovely man, vibrant person, loving person, funny, I just feel he’s not that with me.

I want to advance and he makes me feel stuck, however is this enough to separate?