This is a LONG story, and most of you are going to judge tf out of me which is why it's anonymous🤷‍♀️

My husband and I were making porn for a couple different sites just because it was exciting and made a little extra money. It was his idea, and he would literally make me talk to other guys on these websites. I told him I didn't want to, and wasn't comfortable with him talking to other girls. He said that was fine. He started talking to other couples and I let it go because I figured it was fair?🤷‍♀️

Well I found out he had been talking to a girl that hung out at our neighbors house, they never fucked. But he was talking about fucking her in the messages, and asked her about a threesome with us. Which I never would have been okay with. She was outside (of the neighbors apartment which is a totally different building) the next day when I came back from my parents and I beat tf out of her even though it was his fault. She was talking shit though, and my adrenaline was pumping. I blacked out. We've stopped talking to people on the internet, but are still making porn. We're trying to work on us, he says he still loves me and he's sorry. He just wanted the same attention I was getting. Idk, it's so complicated. I didn't even want to do that shit to begin with, but I did. It's been about a month since I fought the girl, and I feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. I have for a while, before this even happened. But soooo much worse now. I'm trying so hard, but I'm constantly worried he's talking to someone or hiding something. He lies over stupid things, and when I ask why he always says it's because I would have been mad. But I'm always mad BECAUSE he lies about stuff he doesn't need to. Which is off topic but part of my problem as well. I want to trust him so bad, and move past this tbh. I love this man with my whole heart, but I feel like he's given up despite everything he's telling me. He's not affectionate anymore, if he is it's because he wants sex. We used to just lay around and laugh and talk and cuddle. And now I have to beg for cuddles, he says he's just not an affectionate persin. I asked since when as we've been together 5 years and this started within the last 6 months or so. He says ask anyone who knows me they'll tell you😑 We've been together since we were 16 and 17 were now 21 and 22. I just feel disconnected from everything, and from him. And he gets kind of mad when I get upset about shit. Or if I mention how I'm worried he'll do it again. Which I understand, but I can't help it and keeping those feelings to myself makes things worse. Fuckk.

I contemplated divorce, I stayed with my parents for a few days when all this happened. He made me feel like it was my fault, and I made him feel like it was his fault. And we agreed to go to marriage counseling, but we moved right when all this happened and have been tight on money so haven't gone yet. He thinks we don't need it, but I told him we HAVE to go in order to work shit out. He thinks I should just be fine with everything that happened now. But I'm not. I catch myself crying about the shit everyday and it's been a month🙃 I feel disgusting, and like I failed as a wife.