Hi there, I really don't post ever but I'm so lost and overwhelmed right now... I would just appreciate input because I second guess my own thoughts/feelings a ton. Trigger warning for sexual and physical themes.

My husband and I have been married for two and a half years, together for six years. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I've kind of always known that something was off, honestly.

We get along fairly well, I truly enjoy our good times together, but our bad times are so horrible. My husband drinks and all of his worst traits are exaggerated when he gets drunk. He's very flirtatious, and it goes too far often. I don't like PDA all that much and it's gotten worse over the years. He has no respect for this boundary and he'll grab at my body whenever/wherever, then if I get upset he gets upset that I'm being "dramatic". This happens whether he's sober or drunk.

But the thing is, he's done it to other people while drunk. I have had three separate friends come to me to tell me that he crossed the line with them and I always apologize and offer support. He always says that he doesn't remember it happening and that he's so ashamed and sorry. But this happened three times (that I know of) over the span of our relationship, most recently a few months ago.

We've talked about going to therapy. For the longest time he didn't want to go, but then I made it an ultimatum that we had to go for us to stay together, so he said we would go. But whenever we went to schedule, he always had some reason we shouldn't do it. And then I let it go and feel like I'm being naggy if I bring it up.

A few weeks ago, we had some drinks and I was falling asleep. I was practically asleep and then I felt him on me and I like totally froze. He had sex with me, I was somewhat aware but I was mostly out and I panicked and didn't say anything, but literally he went through the whole sex act without even acknowledging me. It was so unsettling. I let it go.

A few days ago, my husband got drunk out of his mind and I had a bit of wine so when I fell asleep, I was out. I woke up randomly and he was on top of me, choking me. I grabbed his hands and fought him off of me. He rolled over and pretended to go to sleep. I was so in shock, I sat silently in bed for a few minutes. I asked if he was having sex with me and that's why he was choking me, and he immediately said "far from it". So he clearly wasn't asleep. Then I asked why he was choking me and he said it didn't happen... The next day when I brought it up, he said he didn't remember and then walked away. He worked a long day the next day so I didn't bring it up when he got home, but I asked if we could discuss it the next day. I explained what happened and he insisted he didn't remember. His solution was that he would sleep on the couch until I felt comfortable with him being back in bed.

Here's the thing: I don't like this one bit. First, I feel afraid because some of my friends told me that there we definite warning signs in our relationship of abuse and that it would only get worse. I've ignored that thought but we've crossed into the physical. I got used to feeling kinda violated but I refuse to get used to feeling unsafe. Second, his "solution" feels more like a cop out than a genuine attempt to make this right. To me it's like he just wants me to forget what happened and then we go back to normal, and that's kinda what normally happens but this just feels so different. I told him my feelings, I was sobbing uncontrollably actually, I'm so upset.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me thinks I need to leave, but part of me is still holding on. We have a daughter who he loves so much, and she loves him so much. I love him, too. We have so much fun a lot of the time and he's very different sober, I truly love him, but I can't get the image of him choking me out of my head. I've just been crying for days about it because I'm so upset, and he doesn't even remember so he's much more blasé about it. I just feel so confused and upset and alone. I don't want to hurt him by leaving and I don't want to break our family, but I'm afraid that I'm going to break if I stay.

I don't really even know what I'm looking for by posting this honestly, I just feel so lost... Has anyone been through something similar? What did you do and how did you decide what was best for you AND your family?