I’m not a huge fan of sharing my story, through social media. I don’t want people to think I was sharing for sympathy, versus sharing as an outlet. Reading other people’s experiences through this has helped me deal to know I am not alone. (So prepare yourself for a long post)

Shortly after I got married in May2018, we started trying for a baby, little did we know that in January 2019 we were pregnant! We were over the moon telling our parents, our two best friends who were also expecting their first child, and siblings. (I know- it was early, but it was only them!) we’ll weeks went by and one by one, more people started to find out. By the 7th week of pregnancy, everyone important in our lives, knew. During the 8th week, my father in law had a heart attack(he thankfully was ok) as we sat in the hospital waiting room I began bleeding and got extremely bad cramps. I didn’t want to alarm my husband, given his emotions dealing with his father. So I kept it to myself, until the next day. I called my doctor, and set up an ultrasound

My husband and I went to the doctor appointment, to be told- there’s no baby, the sac was empty. Was this real life? Am I now a statistic? Is there something wrong me?? Will I ever be a mom??? I was devastated, numb, quiet.

Nothing any one could say would ease that pain, take away that emptiness. I couldn’t face my friends and family, as I was now the elephant in the room.

Both my husband and I had a long road ahead of us, there was  unnecessary arguing, wanting time away from each other(not separation, but doing things we would to together, now doing them alone). And a quiet home. Once we got passed that, and need to depend on each others support, we were back on track.

I became neurotic about tracking every cycle, taking ovulation tests, making sure we had sex during the fertile window, and taking tests before a missed period.

November 2019 I was pregnant but with a chemical pregnancy. Which now meant, let’s go to specials, where every test run for both my husband I came back normal! The doctor told me it could have been a fluke thing, o am perfectly healthy. If I was becoming impatient, he would give me clomid or progesterone. (It would help make sure my uterine lining would get thick enough during another pregnancy. ) my husband and I decided, let’s give it more time, after all, we could get pregnant? And chemical pregnancies happen soooo much more then a woman thinks. Some wouldn’t have been known they were pregnant, unless they tested earlier than their missed period. (Ya know, like me. I was obsessed)

By March, I was getting discouraged, I told my husband , “that’s it!!!! If I get my period-next month-were going to try clomid” he agreed that would ever I wanted to do, he would support. Well as luck would have it, no period came- I was pregnant, and I called my sister, she came over, and I started crying in fear- do I tell my husband? Can our marriage handle another loss? Would I miscarry again- all these things rushed through my head , and I spent the next 6-8 weeks A NERVOUS FUCKING WRECK! I did tell my husband, we kept saying- 3rd times a charm!!!! It was our year!! Then the cramps started - then the bleeding, the the tears, I just remember laying in bed my husband telling me- everything was ok, we’re ok, baby is ok.

Nothing was OK!!! I miscarries again. I took my husbands dream of fatherhood away, I took our parents opportunity away from them to be grandparents again, my sister- still waiting to become an aunt- my grandmother who’s has been patiently waiting for her second great grand child- I took that chance away from them for the third time.

I’m having a really hard time this time around- off to see a new specialist, that’s hopefully can tell me why I can not stay pregnant, and hopefully help me keep a healthy pregnancy to term. My husband is losing hope, I am losing hope, everyone around me is starting their families, while I still dream for mine. I want to put up a baby announcement, and complain about swollen feet and kankles! I want the sleepless nights! I want it all, but it’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.